Today I am thankful for Christmas break with my husband and son.

Today I am thankful to have my husband home from the hospital. It is so scary when you have to call 911.

Today I am thankful for free coffee.

I am missing my sister so much these days. Oh how I wish we lived closer.

Today I am thankful for a better day than yesterday.

I am being treated for the swine flu. I have never felt so awful in my life. Asa has a fever and a cough too. I am hoping he doesn't feel as awful as me. We are both on meds. Wish us well. It is hard being a sick mommy who can't take care of her baby.

Today I am thankful for a wonderful husband who is taking care of a sick wife and a sick son.

Today I am thankful for a "Heather Day."

Today I am thankful to have the day off tomorrow.

Today I am thankful for a great weekend with Tim and Asa. Tim and I had a date night on Saturday night and it was so nice. We need to get better at going out at least once a month. We also had a lot of fun with Asa. He is such a good boy.

Eye update: Vision in my right eye is back. I'm struggling a bit with very blurred vision in both eyes. I go to the neuro tomorrow.

Today I am thankful for a great date night with my husband. We really need to do this again.

Today I am thankful that Monday is over!

Today I am thankful for a great day with Asa and Tim. Also, some delicious fall cider and donuts.

It's hard to be happy when you can't flippen' see! Grrr! My vision is getting a bit better but this truly sucks!

Vision is slowly slowly coming back. I am hopeful.

Today I am thankful for some Halloween chocolate and wine. Mommy needed wine. Asa was a super cute lion for Halloween. Love him!

Today I couldn't be more thankful to be getting some vision in my right eye back. I'm hoping for it to all be back by Monday.

Trying

Trying to stay positive. Long story short b/c typing at the computer is tricky. I have a new symptom. I am blind in my right eye and it happened rather quickly. I started the steroid treatment last night and am hoping it helps and I can see again. On the bright side- my MRI showed no new lesions.

Today I am thankful for my friends who are helping me through this difficult time.

Today I am grateful that my husband is home. It was a very long week without him.

Today I am thankful for my friend Johanna. It is at tough times when you realize who your true friends are.

Today I am thankful for turning around. My husband and I were sitting at a stop sign when I noticed a man lying on his roof. There was a ladder leaning against the house. I asked my husband if he looked okay. My husband thought it was a Halloween decoration b/c the man wasn't moving. I continued on and then my husband and I decided to turn around b/c we saw the man move. I pulled into this mans driveway, my husband got out and asked the man if he was okay. He asked my husband to hold the ladder. He made it down safely. How crazy?!

Today I am thankful for another day of my student teacher doing her solo week. Do I really need to teach again on Monday?

Today I am thankful that my student teacher is solo teaching. I'm enjoying the stress free (for the most part) days. I will miss her!

October 12th

Today I am thankful to have spent the day with Asa and my sister. I will miss her so much when she leaves tomorrow. I wish we had more time together and we didn't live so far from each other. Love you sis!

I'm still here

Wow! I have thought about my blog a lot but have absolutely no time to write. I continue to read three of my favorite bloggers blogs faithfully. I've been thinking of a way to write on my blog daily and I came up with this: I am going to try to make a point each day to write something that I am thankful for each day. If there is every a moment when I have more time I will write more.

Today I am thankful to have my sister visiting from ME!

Venting

I use this blog mainly for a place to vent. Here it goes: I am exhausted and I don't even have students until the day after Labor Day! I just feel completely overwhelmed. I don't like it!!! I'm such an anal person when it comes to my house. I'm freaking out b/c my house chores are not getting done up to my standards. It is so hard for me. I am trying to be a much more positive person at work and have a better attitude. So inorder to put on that happy face I think I'll definitely be venting here. I am so tired now and need to go to bed so hopefully getting this out will let me sleep better. Good night.

Today I am thankful for my precious son.

Night Out

I am in desparate need of a night out with some friends. I just want to go out for a few drinks. I'd like to go out at about 8 and be home by 10:30. I'm feeling really tired these days and I haven't even started work yet. There are only about 3 people I'd like to go out with and the one girl needs more than a nights notice, the other girl doesn't go out until about 10:00 and the other girl is basically an alcoholic and can't go out for a few drinks. I'm sure I'll survive. I just feel like I need to have a few last fun nights before work starts. I'm afraid I'll be too tired and stressed to have any fun.

Today I am thankful that my husband spent the day with me and Asa.

Not looking forward

I am not looking forward to starting work on Wednesday. I've really enjoyed these past 16 1/2 months of being a mommy and just doing my own thing. I get such anxiety when I think about how it will all get done. How will my school work get done? I'm a pretty hardcore and dedicated teacher. I would spend most of my weekends and every week night doing school work. I know this has to change now that I have a child of my own. I just hope I can still do a good job at teaching. Asa is now my priority. How will the house get cleaned? I do so much to keep the house decent. I know there won't be time for that anymore. I also don't want my weekends to just be endless chores. When will I work out? I've thought about getting up early but I know I am going to prefer sleep. I've also thought about doing it at 7:45 after Asa goes to bed. I am completely exhausted by then and I haven't even started work yet. Any suggested would help. I don't want to miss any time away from Asa. I really don't want to go back to work. I wish money was not a necessity. I have two books and 3 magazines sitting on my couch right now waiting to be read. I really want to finish them b/f teaching starts b/c I know there will be no down time.

Sorry about all the complaining but I needed to vent and that is why I created this blog.

Today I am thankful it is Saturday and I get to see my Asa. Love him!

16 1/2 months

I took off the last school year to be a mommy. I have been home for 16 1/2 amazing months with my son. Reality is quickly approaching. I am wondering if I am going to be ready for the HUGE lifestyle change. Ready or not it is coming. We have been sending all day to daycare to get him (and me) ready for this transition. He loves it! I'm doing better than I thought but it is so hard. I miss him so much! He is such a good boy. I wouldn't have done this any differently. It was such an amazing 16 months!

I am noticing I don't have much time to sit and write on my blog. I'm thinking this is going to get pushed to the side once I start teaching. I'm also thinking I just won't have time to do anything for me. I hope I'm ready for crazy time. Blah!

Asa is at daycare today and I can't get into school. I must go and clean my house one last time before school starts. I'm really not sure how all of this is going to work. It will work. I have an amazing husband who will be a huge help. We need to remember that I am not the only one going back to work but the whole family is. It will be a transition that we all need to adjust to. I am giving myself until October to have some sort of routine down. One thing I'm concerned about is working out. I was going to get up early but I prefer sleep. I am feeling so so tired these days (work hasn't even started). I thought I might workout after Asa went to bed at 7:30. By 7:00 I'm ready to crash too. Ahhh!

Also, I am working on stopping all my meds so I can try to get pregnant again. I am really nervous about stopping my Rebif but we'll see. I'm happy in a way to stop it b/f school starts b/c I was really worried. There are somedays where the side effects are so bad that I wouldn't be able to get to school to teach. I'll keep you posted on how this all goes.

I do read all your blogs but just don't have time for my own. Hope all is well with everyone!

Today I am grateful for a Heather day.

It's been awhile

Sorry I have been away for so long. In my free time I have been enjoying some books. I've preferred to use my free time reading rather than blogging. I also feel like I have so much to write about and don't have the energy. I've also been reading about 4 other blogs each day and that too takes time. Also, I've been getting ready to head back to work after almost 16 months. I'm getting very anxious about it. My friends tell me I am a veteran teacher and it will be like riding a bike. Well, the last time I rode a bike things didn't go so smoothly and I haven't done it since. I need to have a better attitude about the whole thing. I've been sending my son to daycare to help us all get adjusted to the big change that is going to hit us. Next week he will go everyday and I will head to my classroom to prep for the beginning of the year. People have no idea the amount of work that needs to get done to start a school year. I just hope the stress won't affect my MS. I'm also a bit nervous b/c at the end of this month I'm going to stop taking my Rebif in hopes to get pregnant again. I was so worried about working while taking Rebif b/c sometime the side effects hit me hard the next day. I didn't realize I wouldn't be on Rebif so I guess that is one less worry.

I will do my best to write again soon. I know once teaching starts I probably won't be blogging much, doing facebook or much of anything fun. Although I did tell my husband to please make sure he still sees me reading for enjoyment. I do need some down time at night b/f going to bed.

Today I am grateful that my sons daycare is closed so we can spend a lot of time together this week.

Touching base

I just read one of the 4 blogs that I read each night. She said she thinks about blogging and doesn't do it. I feel the same way. There is so much to write about but I just either don't have the time and then when I have the time I am too tired or don't feel like doing it. I already can tell you that when I go back to teaching on Sept. 2nd I will most likely never blog again. I also enjoy reading blogs. I am really exhausted right now but just wanted to touch base. Good night.

Today I am thankful for my husband. He helped me step out of my box on Sunday. I plan on writing about this sometime. I had a great time!

Mother's Day

I had a really great weekend! It started on Saturday with my husband telling me he was going to give me money to go shopping. I spent basically all day shopping. I went alone. I sometimes like to go alone because then you can go at your own pace and leave when ready. It was a bit sad though because this trip was suppose to be with my sister. She will be visiting soon and I will continue this little shopping spree with the money I have left. I usually like to go with a friend because I need opinions. My foot is still driving my crazy but I am doing my best to ignore it and go on with life. If you didn't know I had such pain you would have no idea. I am tough and I won't let this knock me on my ass.

After an exhausting 5 1/2 hours of being out of my house I decided it was a good idea to go out with a few friends for a drink. Let me just tell you that by the time 7:00 came (I was going out at 8:00) I was ready for bed. I still went out and actually had a really nice time.

Today was a great day too. It started with my 1 year old carrying out a card for me which was just too precious. My husband then made me the most delicious French toast I have ever had. It was so much better than a restaurant. We enjoyed our day together as a family. Then my husband made me a chicken parm. dinner topped with delicious wine. It was a really great weekend!!! It is so amazing being a mommy.

Today I am thankful for my husband.

Uncontrolable

Here's the deal: There are times when I have extreme grumpiness that I have no control over. I know I am doing it and know I am acting ridiculous but just can't stop it. I over react at the littlest things. I hate the way I am acting at the time but it just happens. I never used to be like this. There are times when I really want to think I can blame it on the Rebif. I also could blame it on MS and still trying to deal with that.

Update: I feel as though my right side has gotten less numb and tingly. I'm not sure if this is because my right foot is so uncomfortable that I'm forgetting about the other annoying things happening. My foot still feels as though I am walking on golf balls. I feel like there is something stuck between my big toe and the next toe. My neurologist said to take 400-600mg. of IB Profin to help with the pain. I tried and it didn't help. He said to call on Monday if the pain was the same or worse.

There is a really good deal being offered at the local fitness and I've been debating about joining for the last week. I used to workout there a lot. When I got pregnant I was so exhausted I just quit and really have never thought I'd have the time to join again. My husband is very encouraging and telling me that even if I just went 3 times a month it would be worth the deal. I was thinking I could go Sat. and Sun. mornings and then one night a week. I really used to enjoy doing step and kickboxing classes. I'm just wondering about my foot and if I could do this. The attitude I had last night was F*CK MY FOOT! I really don't want this to control me and what I do. You also need to sign up for an 18 month membership. It's crazy for me to think about my life in 18 months. I'd like to think in 18 I'll be pregnant again. Then there definitely won't be time to go to the gym with two kids. I'm so torn as to join or not. AHHHHHHHHH!!! The whole getting pregnant thing is a whole other issue because of what is going on with me now.

Today I am grateful for wine.

Support Group

I live in a small town. There are MS support groups both north and south of me about an hour away. I'm really not willing to travel there. I wish there were something in my town. I've thought about starting a group but am not up to it right now. I also want to go to a support group that is supportive and positive and not just a bunch of people of complaining. I go to counseling once a week for a whole other reason but during these times talk of MS has come up. I guess sometimes I look at that as support. I just would like to meet with other people who have MS in my town. Any ideas or thoughts?

Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband.

Treatment

Woo! Hoo! Today was the last day of my 3 day infusion steroid treatment. Tomorrow I start the 7 day oral Prednisone. It's been a rough three days to say the least but I made it through. I really wanted to quit yesterday but I knew I needed to do this for my baby and me. The burning sensation has stopped under my breast and back but my leg and foot are not much better. My foot actually is having a different feeling. It's hard to explain but I'll try. It feels really really cold but when I touch it it doesn't feel cold. It also feels hard on the bottom and really uncomfortable to walk on. My foot feels like a rock. It feels like I am walking on a rock. Do I call my neurologist and tell him about his new feeling? I've decided I will call him Monday if it still feels like this.

MS is so hard to deal with. I feel like you can't really fight it. I am definitely a fighter and very competitive person. I really don't like to be beat. I am doing my best to not let MS beat me! It's hard for me to know and understand that I really can't fight MS. The only thing I can do is try to stay positive and continue to walk in the MS walk each year and raise as much money as I can for the society.

Today I am thankful that in 5 days my sister will be taking a long journey to visit us. I miss her so much!

The ABC's of Me

Weebs- I chose to do this on my blog rather than share it on FB.

A - Age: I'm apparently 32. I'll need to share that story sometime because it's funny.

B - Bed size: Queen size bed and so comfy.

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the shower! Yuck!

D - Dog's name: I don't have a dog. I have a cat named Lucky.

E - Essential start your day: a shower

F - Favorite color: used to be blue but now might be green

G - Gold or Silver: Platinum please

H - Height: 4'11 and 3/4" which I round to 5 feet (I kept your exact same answer Weebs.)

I - Instruments you play(ed): I played the violin since 2nd grade and also the piano.

J - Job title: Teacher

K - Kid(s): I have a son who just turned 1.

L - Living arrangements: husband, son and cat

M - Mom's name: I call her Mom.

N - Nicknames: HB, Babes

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None- thank goodness

P - Pet Peeve: I have a lot!

Q - Quote from a movie: I'm not much of a movie girl.

R - Right or left handed: Right handed

S - Siblings: 1 sister (who is also my best friend)

T - Time you wake up: It all depends on when the kid wakes up. If he's still asleep at 6:30 then the alarm wakes us up.

U- Underwear: yes

V - Vegetable you dislike: asparagus

W - Ways you run late: I honestly have never been late. If I ever were late it would be because I got lost. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I think this makes my husband a bit crazy especially when we are going to a get together. He hates when we are the first people there. He made me go to a BBQ an hour late once and somehow we managed to still be the first people there.
X-rays you've had: MRI's and in high school I broke my elbow, wrist and thumb while cheerleading

Y - Yummy food you make: vegetable lasagna and many many desserts

Z - Zoo favorite: monkeys

Today I am thankful for having so many wonderful friends who care about me.

Letter to a Friend

Dear K,
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. We met in Sept. 1999 during my first year of teaching. We shared what used to be a janitor closet.
I wouldn't wish MS on any of my friends or enemies. I can remember the day I told you I was diagnosed with MS so perfectly. You knew where I was going with my story because you too were going through the same thing. I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to come and visit you that instant and just hug you and cry. I was so sad this was happening to you. It is so awful to have MS happen to such a dear friend of mine. I was and am truly blessed to have you as a friend in my life. You are the only one who truly understands what I am going through with my MS. We share the same treatment. I can't count the number of times you have been there to listen to me and to share suggestions on how to make the Rebif less painful.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate our friendship. I wish we lived a bit closer so we could see each other more. I am always here for you when you need me. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Love,
~Heather

Today I am thankful for the sunshine and warmer weather it will bring (although I don't like much over 75).

Update

I went to the neurologist today to get the results from my MRI. Here's the scoop: the new lesion that I had on my brain is now gone. I have a lesion on my spinal cord which is causing all the lovely symptoms. I am going to do a steroid treatment starting next Wed. I hope it helps. I don't know if I can wait that long. I can deal with my torso but my entire leg and foot are absolutely driving me CRAZY!!!

Today I am thankful for my husband. I appreciate that he came with me to my doctor appointment.

I am also thankful for my sister. I hope she knows I too would do anything for her.

Frustrated

I really am just feeling so frustrated at the way I feel. I've been on Gabapentin now for 6 days and am feeling no relief from this burning, numb and tingly feeling on my entire right side (except for my arm - thank god). My leg feels like it is 3 times its normal size and I can't stand the way it feels. It feels how your foot feels when you say your foot fell asleep. This is my entire side. I am uncomfortable to do everything like sit, stand, lie on the floor, you name it. It is really hard having a 1 year old when you feel like this. Ever since I was diagnosed in Nov. 2006 I have been so lucky to not have any symptoms of my MS. I just can't believe this is happening. I have been so positive and believed nothing was ever going to happen. I guess I was wrong. I know I need to stay positive but right now that is hard. I am so uncomfortable which makes me grumpy and sad. I love pedicures and massages and I am thinking if this never goes away how the hell will I do those things again. It hurts to have my husband hug me. )-: Sorry to complain but this is what I wanted this blog to be for.

Today I am thankful that the sun is out and spring is in the air.

Uncomfortable

I am writing in red because this is how my body feels under my right breast and back. I feel like I am on fire or I have a wicked sun burn. This whole numbness and tingling sensation has gotten worse. I called my neuro and he wasn't there so I talked to another one. He scheduled me for an MRI (I wasn't suppose to have one until June.) on Tues. morning at 7:30 and put my on Gabapentin to help with this feeling I have. IT ISN'T WORKING!!!!!!!!!! I am so uncomfortable! No one can touch me on my right side. It is really hard for me with a 1 year old. I am hoping to just wake up tomorrow and it all be gone. I feel like each morning I wake up it is a little worse. I am scared. I am really scared and need to live in the moment rather than thinking the worse about the future.

Today I am thankful for an amazing 1st year with my son. Happy 1st Birthday Asa!

Tingling

I'm not sure what is going on but I will be calling my neurologist tomorrow. I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has had a similar feeling as I'm having now. I'll do my best to describe it. It started a few days ago. A few days ago I thought my bra was just irritating me. I started to realize that even when my bra was off I was still getting this feeling. It wasn't until this morning after my shower when I was drying myself off that I felt a different sensation. From under my right breast all the way to my right hip (only the right side-divided by my belly button) and even my ride side and a little on my upper back I have this tingling sensation. When I touch it it reminds me of the way your foot feels when it's asleep. I really don't like it. So, basically I'm wondering if this is an MS thing or something else? Any ideas?

Today I am thankful for spending time with a good friend and her two beautiful girls.

Good job!

On May 3rd I will be walking in our local MS Walk. I usually just ask for donations and have a wonderful team of friends and family who do an amazing job of collecting donations too. I am a stay at home mom this year and decided to do something different seeing as though I have a little bit more time. I went around to local businesses and asked for donations. I collected a total of $225 worth of gift cards/certificates. I had some friends help sell raffle tickets. We collected a total of $300 to be donated to the MS Society. Go team! It was a lot of work but I am proud of myself and my team. I won't be able to do a raffle again next year because it was very time consuming. Any ideas of easy fundraiser ideas for next year would be appreciated.

Today I am thankful for my amazing friends.

Decision

My husband and I would like to eventually have another baby. Here's my dilemma: Long story short is I was diagnosed in Oct. 2006 with MS. I didn't start any meds right away because my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant, 9 months of being pregnant and then my neurologist let me breastfeed for 2 months before starting Rebif. I have been on Rebif for almost 10 months now. I (knock on wood) am doing wonderful! I have nothing wrong with me and I am thankful for that each and every morning I wake up. I am scared to go off of the Rebif to try to get pregnant because I am worried about what could happen to me. There is a chance that nothing could happen but there is that chance that something could happen. It scares me a lot! I hate how MS is so unpredictable! After trying to get pregnant for a year my midwife put me on clomid and then it only took us 6 months. I need to talk to her about what she might suggest. As soon as we decide to try to make a baby do I start the clomid right away? I need to know what the chances are for multiples using clomid. I really can't do more than one baby at a time. One baby is challenging enough. I can't be off of Rebif for that long. What do I do?

Today I am grateful that my baby (soon to be 1) will be going to the daycare of my choice.

I am also grateful that spring is in the air.

Where to start

I am so sorry that I haven't written in such a long time. I've either been too busy, too tired or spending to much time on facebook. Facebook is a bad addition. Everytime I'm on it I swear I am thinking about all the other things I could be doing with my life. I could be writing on my blog. I could be reading. I could be spending time with my husband. I could be learning to sew.

I'm actually not going to write a real entry today because I'm just not up to it. I'm hoping just getting on here again will get my inspired. So, instead I'm going to do a little survey I saw on Weebs blog. Here it goes.

* THREE NAMES I GO BY:
- Heather
- Babes
- HB

*THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:
- teacher
- daycare teacher
- telemarker for a local newspaper

*THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
- I've always lived in NY. I've lived in three different places but always NY. A bit boring.

*THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH:
- Desparate Housewives
- The Office
- LOST

*THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN (I've been to many more places but just have always live in good ol' NY. I was hard to pick three):
- Maine
- Vermont
- New Brunswick

*THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO:
- Italy
- France
- Holland

*THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
- pizza and wings
- my dad's pancakes
- chicken gyro

*THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- spring so I can get outside and walk
- a wine tour with my girlfriends
- my sister visiting in May

*THREE MORE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- more dates with my husband
- my babies 1st birthday
- bed

*THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS:
- Regina Spektor
- Antigone Rising/Cassidy
- Beth Orton

*THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
- water
- wine
- Mountain Dew

*THREE THINGS I'M AFRAID OF:
- the dark
- being home alone at night
- spiders

Well, it's 9:00 so I must be heading to bed. Good night!

Today I am grateful for my husband and all his help.

Aspartame

When I was diagnosed with MS I looked closely at my diet and completely cut out anything with aspartame in it. I enjoyed drinking diet soda, crystal light and really enjoyed chewing gum. I searched and searched for gum without aspartame in it. The only gum I could find was Big Red. Well, after chewing that for a while my tongue started to become rather raw. The point to this story is that a few weeks ago I found gum without aspartame in it and bought it. It arrived in the mail today and it's pretty good. The only thing I don't like about it is it's about 1/2 the size of normal gum and it doesn't blow bubbles. I love to blow bubbles. It does pop, snap and crack though. If your intested just google ZAPP gum.

Today I am grateful for being able to chew gum again.

Break?

Do mommies ever get a break? I think it's hard because I am a stay at home mom and I feel as though this job only "ends" when Asa goes to bed. I'm frustrated because when Asa was born my mom said she would be up to help every Wed. and Fri. Well, this isn't happening. My nannie (her mother) isn't doing well and my mom uses those days to take care of her. Which I understand. I wish my mom knew she would never get this time back with Asa. If I told her that though she'd probably say she'll never get this time back with her mother. Which I understand too. I am just frustrated because I need the help and a break. I just want someone to come and play with Asa while I do some chores or run some errands alone. I think it would just make me feel so much better. I'm also frustrated because we spend $875 on an elliptical machine and I only get to use it on the weekends. I really am trying hard to figure out when to use it. The only time I can figure is in the morning before Asa wakes up and that just doesn't appeal to me. I need to get as much sleep as I possibly can. When he naps I am doing chores like a mad women. I really want to do it during his first morning nap but the length of his naps just aren't consistent enough. I at least want to use the elliptical for 30 min. and then shower. Some days there wouldn't be enough time for a shower. I hope to soon figure this out. I also am looking forward to Spring when we can get outside for walks. Winter is starting to be really long.

I also had a hard day because my husband was home from work. He should have had a snow day but didn't. When he tried to leave our house he couldn't make it down the hill (we live on a really big hill) so turned around and made his own snow day. At first I was so happy because I was thinking he would be a big help to me and I could get a bunch done and have a bit of a break. Well, I didn't realize he was going to work from home. GRRR! He asked why I was so grumpy so I explained: When you are home I feel as though you can help me. At around noon he tried to go to work again but it was freezing rain so he stayed home. It was just an over all hard day. I also have my period so maybe this could be part of my grumpiness or just adding to it.

Today I am grateful for my sister. She is my best friend and I miss her so much (especially on days like this.)!

I miss you

I often wonder what happens to a person when they die. I sometimes believe they are watching over me and know when I am thinking about them. I think about my mother in law a lot and hope she knows how much I miss her. Jo-An if you are watching me and hearing my thoughts I miss you right now. Your husband is over at our house and there have been so many times when I could hear you either speaking to your son or your husband for not paying attention to me or Asa. I miss you. I was also missing you the other day and was wishing you could be the one to give Asa his first haircut. You were not a typical mother in law. We got along and knew that we each loved and appreciated each other. I know how happy you were that your son married me. I miss you and think about you everyday.

Today I am grateful for getting to use my elliptical.

Follow up

I just wanted to share the email I sent to this friend last night and the response I got.

Here is what I wrote:

January 16 at 8:05pm

Hey! Don't call me tonight when you get this message b/c I'll be going to bed at about 8:30. I hope you had a good time and got home safely. I am so sorry I couldn't come out w/ you tonight. I hope you understand. No one understands unless they are in my situation but it really sucks to have your entire life revolve around one thing. I hope someday I adjust to it but its been 7 months of my life already and I am still not adjusted. Every Monday, Wed., and Friday it is what I think about almost all day. On Tues., Thurs., Sat., and Sun., I feel like I need to do something fun and crazy because I don't need to do my shot. It really sucks! I'm sure I could have come out and not drank but it's just not fun when everyone else is doing it. Sorry to blab but I am having a hard time again. It just made me sad when you told me you would be mad at me if I didn't come out. I am sorry. Call me sometime tomorrow. Can you do something next Sat. night? A small girl's night?Let me know b/c if you can maybe I won't go out tomorrow night.

Here is her response (remember she is drunk so it's a bit tricky to read):

January 16 at 11:25pm

yes, we will get together tomorrow night. I forgot it was a a friday and what they meant to you. I didn't mean it when I said I would be mad at you-it would take much more than you not coming to drink with me. I forget what it is like to have one as little as asa at home and I have not idea what it is like to deal with the shots. You are an incredible mother and i would never be mad for you choosing to stay home. My only concern is that i have been there and know how important being with adults and friends is. You put your self last all the time and I hope you and Tim realize all that you are doing to make sure Asa has the best availale to him. Let's make it a plan for next sat. at st. charles. Talk to you tomorrow/

I still haven't heard from her yet today. I need to not let her drunkinness be an excuse for her comments on the phone last night.

Today I am thankful for the choice I made last night.

Seriously?

I need to vent and this is where it happens. I have a handful of close friends who know I have MS and who know I have to give myself shots every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have a friend who we have been wanting to get together for a long time and it just hasn't been working out for us. She called me last night and said she would be going to happy hour tonight and was asking if I'd meet her out. She said she'd be home by 5:00. Well my husband usually gets home at 4:45 so I couldn't go. Here's a bit of info on this friend: she enjoys drinking a lot. When she said she'd be home and 5:00 I didn't believe it. Well she called me tonight at 6:30 and she was still out and would be out for at least another hour. She wanted me to meet her. I said I didn't feel like it. I told her it was too cold to go out. It was 3 degrees. I had just gone to Walmart and couldn't feel my toes and wasn't about to go out again. Also, if she didn't have so much to drink already she would have remembered that I don't drink on the nights I do my shots. It's just something I do. Rebif is hard enough on my liver as it is. So, anyhow she kept trying really hard to get me to go out. She was telling me that I'm a mommy and need a break and need to go out. She was then telling me about all the other mommies that were out drinking. Here's the part that hurt and I couldn't believe she said but again she was drinking. She said she would be mad at me if I didn't meet her out. I then reminded her that I don't go out on Friday nights. Then she remembered I need to do my shot and she said I win and she loved me. Whatever! This was 2 hours ago and it is still bothering me. I emailed and told her how sad she made me feel. She calls me her best friend? I'm wondering what she will have to say when she calls me. I just am frustrated. I also am having a hard time again accepting that I have MS and I am having a hard time with my shots. No one understands unless they are going through it. I told my sister when she was visiting that on the days I don't do my shot I feel like I need to do something super fun or crazy because I feel as though I should be celebrating the fact that I don't have to do my shot. It sucks! I can't believe this is how the rest of my life will be. Hopefully it won't be and eventually I can just take a pill. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Today I am grateful for gift certificates.

25 Random Things About Me

In no particular order:
1. I love my husband more than anything. I am a lucky women.
2. I am a mommy of an 8 1/2 month old baby boy- Asa James.
3. I have one sister who lives in Portland, ME (We are 8 hours apart from each other). I miss her everyday and wished we lived closer to each other. I cherish the time we have together. I also am thankful for the morning phone call I get from her on her drive to work everyday.
4. I was diagnosed in Oct. 2006 with MS.
5. I am afraid of the dark but enjoy looking at the stars.
6. I enjoy drinking wine.
7. I don't go anywhere without my water bottle.
8. I enjoy exercising.
9. I read Post Secrets every Sunday morning.
10. I am afraid of spiders.
11. I enjoy listening to live music.
12. I love to sing. I would love to perform someday.
13. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally.
14. I miss my mother in law.
15. My husband, sister and friends know me better than I know myself.
16. I LOVE when my sister visits but HATE that she has to leave. I miss her so much!
17. I have never lived alone. There are times when I wish I could have had this experience. I think I would be a much braver person.
18. I was born on Christmas day.
19. I am going to learn to sew.
20. When I eat tuna fish sandwiches or macaroni and cheese I need to have chocolate milk to drink.
21. I rarely can stay awake for an entire movie.
22. I am a teacher but am always thinking of what else I could do for a job.
23. I hate saying good-bye to people.
24. I have always wanted to learn to play the cello. I think it's a sexy instrument. I know how to play the violin.
25. I am impressed that I came up with 25 things. It was harder than I thought.


Today I am grateful for the long weekend I got to spend with my sister.

Dilemma

I need to complain again. Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain. I guess this is a good place to do it. So, my husband and I bought an elliptical for Christmas. I used it for 3 days in a row and enjoyed it. Here's the dilemma: my husband was on a break from work making it a bit easier to let me use the elliptical while he watched Asa. He started work again on Monday and it has been two days since I have been on the elliptical. I'm thinking exercise will only be a weekend thing which sucks. I NEED to workout! My husband is on his last class for getting his bachelor's degree and he has two big papers left. He got an extension (he was suppose to be done Dec. 20) because of his mother's passing. I am hoping that once he is done with these papers there will be time for me to workout when he gets home from work. It's hard because he gets home from work at around 5:00 and if I were to workout it would be 6:00 by the time I got done and showered. We need to make dinner and eat too. I've thought about getting up early before Asa wakes up but I'm preferring sleep these days. I thought about exercising during a nap time but the time he naps isn't consistent. I'd like to workout for at least 30 min. and then shower but sometimes he only sleeps for 30 min. I've also thought about exercising when he goes to bed but I go to be an hour after he does and I'm way to exhausted by 7:00 to think of exercising. Any ideas of when I can exercise? I'm also so anxious for the spring to get here because then Asa and I can go for walks.

So many thoughts

Warning: This blog is going to be a mess with a bunch of different thoughts and ramblings. But remember I don't write for an audience I write for me.

I always feel like I have so much to write about but no time to actually get to it. When I get to do it I forget what I was going to write about.

I am really enjoying reading the blogs I like to read each day. There are a few bloggers who I'd really like to get to know better. I wish they lived closer too.

My sister is going to be coming for a visit this Saturday and I can't even begin to say how excited I am about it. The last time she was here was in August and Asa was 4 months old. He is now 8 months old and grown so much. She lives about 8 hours away in Portland, ME so it's not easy getting to see her. She will be back in April to celebrate Asa's 1st birthday and then my husband, Asa and I hope to visit her in the summer. It will be a big trip for Asa but possible. My sister and I have gotten so much closer since my diagnosis of MS and having Asa. She is my best friend and I share everything with her. She is the only one who is allowed to read my blog. She is actually the one who got me started and introduced me to blogging. She is an amazing and incredible writer (I think she got all the creativeness.). She recently just started a new blog in which she will be writing letters to me. I am looking forward to reading these letters and think this will even bring us closer. I know that when she visits this weekend I hope to get caught up on our lives when we were high school. We both probably have such different experiences and there were things that happened that I believe we need to talk about. There are so many times when I wished she lived closer. I would love to just get to spend more time with her and hang out.

Someday I'd like to write about my parents but I wouldn't even know where to start. It really requires therapy not writing.

I am sad for today to end. My husband has been off of work since Christmas and it has been wonderful. I have enjoyed all of his help with Asa. I will miss him so much.

Today I am grateful for Asa sleeping 12 hours last night. I am getting better at sleeping and not waking up to check on him. I still don't sleep that good because I am listening to the monitor to hear him. Another good thing about Asa sleeping better is I can now stay up until 9:00. I am also grateful for getting the time to use the elliptical again. I'm not sure how I'll find the time now that my husband starts work again tomorrow. We'll need to figure out something so we both can work out.

Good night and sweet dreams!

Mothers

My mother in law passed away on December 4th. I think of her so much and miss her. There is so much more I wish I could have said to her. My husband doesn't talk about her much since she passed. I asked him last night if it was okay that I talk about her and let him know when I am thinking about her. He said it was fine. He shared with me last night that the reason he stays up so late at night is because he is sad and thinking about his mom and can't sleep. I was so glad he shared that with me. The other day I had just gotten off the phone with my mother and she said something to annoy me. I was feeding Asa and started to cry. My husband wondered what was wrong. I told him that I feel so bad that I complain about my mother and feel awful that she makes me so crazy when he doesn't have his mom anymore. This has really been bothering me. My mom has been doing and saying things to make me a bit nuts. I try to be more patient with her but it's hard. I also think about the fact that she might not be here tomorrow. I will add being more patient to my resolutions for the new year.

Today I am grateful for working out on my new elliptical.

Happy New Year

Seriously? Here's how I wanted to spend my New Year's Eve: my husband and I were going to watch a movie and have some champagne. We didn't get the champagne because we were snowed in so the movie was still in the plans. Here's how I spent the night: I was really tired so I knew if we started the movie chances were good I'd fall asleep. I took my Tylenol at 7:00 in preparation to do my Rebif at 8:00. It was my husbands turn to do the shot. It freakin' hurt like hell and I started to feel like crap about 15 min. after. I went to bed at 8:45. No movie. No champagne. So, today I am feeling like crap from my shot. I honestly feel like I was out until 3 am and had a great night of drinking. I have had a migraine headache all day (it went away at about 4:00) and felt like puking. I did nothing last night to earn this feeling. My husband was joking saying all I did on my New Year's Eve was one shot and I got completely hungover. I'm lucky I don't feel this way after every shot. It makes me worry though that when I go back to teaching in Sept. how I would go to work feeling like this.

So, Happy New Year!

Today I am grateful that my husband spent the time to put out new elliptical together. Tomorrow I will start working on that resolution. Wish me luck!