Resolution

Tomorrow will be New Year's Eve and apparently I should have my resolution in mind. I really haven't put much thought into this but I suppose now is the time. I used to be a pretty hardcore gym girl. I'd workout at the gym 6 days a week for about 2 hours and once a week with a personal trainer. I can honestly say I was pretty happy with the body I had molded and worked so hard for. Since having my baby (8 months ago) I really have not worked out much at all. I am so unhappy with my body although I got an amazing son. I miss working out. I need to exercise in order to relieve my stress and help control my grumpiness. Yesterday my husband and I purchased and elliptical for our home. I am hoping this will get my body back to the way it used to be (or close). The only thing that needs to happen now is we need to take it out of the box and hopefully it doesn't require to much putting together. So, my resolution is to start to exercise again.


Today (and everyday) I am grateful for having a husband who I love so much and who loves me just as much. I couldn't have found a better husband. I was going to close with this but I need to share a funny story that happened yesterday with my husband and baby. My husband is off for this week from work (which I'm loving all the help). He helped by changing Asa's poopy diaper for me. Well, about an hour after this I decided to put Asa in his PJ's. When I was undressing him I discovered his daddy didn't put a diaper on him after he changed him. I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself. Too funny! I was so thankful he didn't pee without a diaper on.

Few things

I just wanted to mention a few things that I am grateful for (although lately I am grateful for many things): I am so grateful that Asa is sleeping through the night. Now I just need to work on sleeping all night without checking on him 2-3 times a night. I am also grateful that my husband has a week off from work. I know he has homework to get caught up on but still it will be a bit of a break for me.

Sad day

Today was a sad day. It was weird. I thought about my mother-in-law so many times today. I was trying to hold back the tears or when I did cry I didn't let my husband see. I finally told him that I was sad today because I was thinking about his mom a lot. I kept hearing her over and over in my head during different times today. My husband told me I was crying his tears. It's so sad to me and it just doesn't seem real yet. I HATE when people die. I feel like it's so hard to go on like normal because things aren't normal, someone important in your life is missing. I hope my husband knows he can be sad around me and that it's okay to cry. He did break down at the funeral which I thought was good but I hope he knows he doesn't have to play tough guy. I can't even imagine loosing a parent. My parents tend to drive me bonkers but I would miss them terribly. I HATE death.


I am grateful that my husband got our Christmas tree today and I at least got the lights hung up.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't written in such a long time but things have been busy. I've been faithfully reading everyone else's blogs but haven't really felt like writing on mine.

Things have been really hard the last few weeks. My mother-in-law passed away from a long battle with cancer. I'm really not ready to talk about it. I don't deal with death to well (not that anyone does). I'm the type of person that gets attached to people so much that when they die I just miss them so much. It's just so sad. I'm sad for our son, Asa, who will really never know his grandma. I am also thankful that she got to get to know him for 7 1/2 months of his life.

Three days after my mother-in-law passed away my husband's close friends mom also died. It was unexpected because she fell down the stairs in her house and hit her head. I am done with funerals for a while I hope. It's just so hard.

I also haven't written because I've been so stinkin' tired. I'm not sure if it's from my MS, the winter weather or being inside all day. I'm hoping I am just in a slump and it's not any MS symptoms.

Today I am grateful for the delicious Peppermint Latte I drank to help give me a boost.

Random rambling

I think about writing on my blog all the time but time just doesn't permit. When baby is sleeping I am doing chores like a mad women. There are also a lot of things going on in our lives right now. My husbands mother is terminally ill. Cancer is going to take her life. It has been so hard this last month and she is really in a bad way. It makes me so sad. There is so much more I'd like to write on this topic. I will when I can.

I just got news today that a co worker had died last night. He was 46 years old with a wife and two children. He wasn't feeling well so went to the hospital. They are going to do an autopsy to say what really happened. It either was his heart or he had a bad kidney infection. So sad. It really makes you stop and think about the little things in life and what is truly important.

I need to loosen up more. I've gotten better since having my baby. I am the type of person who needs to have a plan or know the plan. If there is something different or unexpected in the plan I get grumpy and stressed. I don't like this about myself but I have been this way for a long while. I need to go with the flow more often.

As for my MS things are thankfully no different. My Rebif shot is hurting again. It burns really bad when being injected which makes it hard. My husband did my shot last Wed. (in my buttocks) and it hurt so much that I pulled away and didn't get all the Rebif. Why is it hurting all of a sudden? I'm going through the phase of asking why do I have to do this shot to myself and just not believing that I have to do it for the rest of my life.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I enjoyed yummy apple pie for breakfast the next morning.

Like I said in a previous post I am going to write what I am grateful for at the end of each blog. I'd like to do this everyday because I am truly grateful for so many things. Today I am grateful that I get to talk to my sister each morning.

What are you grateful for?

There are four blogs that I read pretty faithfully and one of them is "Living! with MS." Her last entry was title "Gratitude." She is trying to focus on all the good things she has in her life. I thought this would be a good thing to do also. So, each time I write a blog I'd like to try to include one thing that I am grateful for that day (if I remember).


Today I am grateful that I got to go to kick boxing in the morning.

Who am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately and wondering what happened to me. I am a mommy of a 6 1/2 month old who I love with all my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. Since having him though I feel like everything I used to enjoy doing I no longer have time to do. Here are some of the things I miss and wonder if I'll ever get to do again: My husband and I used to go to open mic nights together (he played guitar and I sang). I really enjoyed singing and it made me feel good. I also used to workout for about 2 hours a day. I worked 4 hours a week at the local gym so I could workout there for free. I paid to have a personal trainer once a week who would kick my ass and I loved it. I miss the body I once had. I know everything distributes differently after having a baby but I looked good and felt good too. Okay-so there's only two things I really miss but I miss them A LOT. I also think that taking off a year from teaching is making me rethink who I am. I am starting to miss making money- A LOT! I like to shop and now I can't do it b/c we have lost a whole income. It is for a good reason (to raise my son) and I know I will never regret it. I might even do it for my 2nd child (If I decide to have any more.) I've been a teacher since 1999 and am starting to wonder if that is really how I want to spend the rest of my working life. It's a freakin' hard job. I visit job websites frequently and wonder what do I want to be when I grow up? I think I would love it if my husband made a whole bunch of money and I could work in a little coffee shop. I would love a job that is 9-5 or 8-4 which requires no outside work. A job that have very little stress. Teaching is so time consuming (if you do a good job). I would also really like to find a job where I get summers off and I'd like to make no less money than I was. This is a tough order I know. I might have to sacrifice something here I know. I was actually thinking of talking to my principal and seeing if there where any other positions (so I could get out of the classroom) opening like maybe an AIS position. I was even going to try to think of a new position to create. Anyone have any ideas of what I could do once I need to go back to work? I looked online last night trying to find jobs I could do from home. It's hard being a grown up. It sucks that we need to make money.

Finally

So, I finally got in touch with my neurologist (after playing phone tag for 4 days). I called him to discuss the way I've been feeling with my grumpiness, anger and overwhelmed feelings. Also, to ask if it was okay for me to get the flu shot (FYI: he said yes to the flu shot). He said there were three things we could do: try counseling, go on meds, or stop the Rebif. I knew even before he called me back that I was going to try counseling first. I already had the names of two counselors ready to call. I am not one for medicine. So, to be taking something like Rebif it tough for me. I really don't want to put too much more in my system. I think if I could do some counseling and actually find the time to workout more than twice a week I would be feeling much better.

It's so hard to find time to write and I have so much more to say. I'll try again later this weekend.

Finding the Time

When will I find the time to write? I have so much to write about and no time to do it. It is 8:25 on a Sunday night and I should be going to bed soon because I have no idea what time my baby will wake up at. There were two nights in a row last week where he slept the entire night. It was so nice and I felt very spoiled. He hasn't done it again since. Mommy needs to get some sleep because my grouchiness is starting to get to me. I will write as soon as I can. I NEED to write. Today was a not so good day. I will be calling my neurologist tomorrow to talk about the way I've been feeling emotionally. I don't like it. Good night.

Thank-you Weebs for this award!

Friends

I have such a wonderful bunch of friends and I am so thankful for them. Tonight I have a friend coming over to watch my husband give me my shot (I can't reach the spot.) because my husband will not be home the next night the shot needs to go in this area. I am so thankful to have this friend who is willing to do this for me. She is a wonderful friend. I chose her because she only lives 3 miles away and she has given an uncle insulin shots before. I feel much better having a friend do this who has done things with needles before. It just makes me really sad to have to have her to this to me. I know she doesn't mind it's just really hard for me. I have already cried to my husband about this. I am so thankful for him too.

New topic: My baby could do me the favor of sleeping better at night. I am getting so tired and getting up at 5 or 5:30 in the morning and staying up is killing me. I am getting really tired and exhausted. I wish he knew that on my shots nights I really would like to get a good nights sleep. I try telling him but he doesn't listen. I tell him mommy would be a lot more fun the next day if she got a better nights sleep. I'm also feeling dizzy and light headed but I will blame this on the tiredness and not the MS.

I was really frustrated today because I was feeling very tired and overwhelmed. I was just wishing someone could come sit and play with Asa for an hour while I did chores around the house. When my house is dirty I tend to get grumpy. So, I called my mom who has Wed. and Fri. off and asked for help. She couldn't come because she a list of chores to do herself. I was so proud that I called and asked for help but so disappointed she couldn't help. (There is so much more to this story.) Her solution was to put my baby in his pack and play and do chores. No thanks. Grrr.

I still haven't called my neurologist about my feelings of sadness and anger. The days just seem to slip away. I want to make sure if it's the side effects of Rebif or just my feelings of being overwhelmed.

Phone call

So, my midwife called me back and she said my grumpiness isn't related to postpartum. I'm not sure where to go or what to do now. I might call my neurologist. The grumpiness I felt today was so intense. I hate that I feel this way and I can't even control it. It's just so hard to explain.

No call

Still no call back from my midwife. I'm guessing that if she got the message that I called and why I called I must not be much to worry about. I'm a bit busy with life so I'll have to write another day.

My sister

First, I need to say my midwife hasn't called me back yet. If she does now (6:30 pm) I probably won't answer since I've had a few glasses of wine and would not be able to explain myself the best I'd like to.

Anyhow, let me start by saying that my sister lives 8 hours away from me. I don't see her that often. Since my MS diagnosis and my new baby we have become closer than ever. She was a huge help during the birth of my son and she probably never knew she would get to see so much of her sister that day. My sister is my best friend. I see her as more of my best friend than my sister. She is the first person I would call for anything (even over my parents). She calls me every morning when she is driving to work. We only talk for about 5 min. but I look forward to her call each morning. She also works at a computer all day so I can send her an email and usually get an immediate response. Well, she is away on a trip this week and none of these things are happening. She didn't call this morning (because she was flying) and I didn't send any emails to her or did I get any from her. I have to say it was a stinky day and something was really missing. I miss my sister so much and wished we lived closer (I could do a 2-3 hour drive.) She lives in Portland, ME and is extremely happy with the life she has there. If she is happy I am happy for her. She loves her husband, dogs, cats, job (not too many people even like their job), new apartment, she's making new friends, and the ocean. She needs to stay there and I know this. Maine is home for her. If she were to move back this way I know she would not be happy. I just miss her. I know my husband and I aren't completely settled (even though we bought a new home only 2 years ago and hate it) but I don't know if we'd ever go that far away. I just wish my sister and I could see each other more often. She came to visit over the summer and stayed with my husband and I. She usually stays with my parents but wanted to stay with us so she could get as much of baby Asa as possible. It was great for her to see what we do each day. We had such a nice time together but I think that trip made me miss her more. She is planning to come for another visit sometime in January and I am SO happy. I can't wait to see her. I just wish we could run together or enjoy a glass of wine. Even though the visits are so far apart we treasure every minute we have with her.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sorry to ramble. I hope this all makes sense. Mama needed some wine tonight.

Grumpy Update

I called the MS Lifeline people and told them how I was feeling. The nurse suggested I start by calling my midwife. He thought maybe it could be some post pardon issues. I called my midwife and am just waiting to hear back from her. I have errands to run and I'm sure she'll call when I am not home. She is really hard to get in touch with. I'll be sure to let you know how things turn out.

GRUMPY

I think I've written about this before but I need to vent and this is where I do that. I hate the way I am feeling now. I am so grumpy. I also just can't control the grumpiness and it just feels awful inside. Everything seems to bother me and nothing seems right. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do it (even though I am a stay at home mom). My house isn't clean (up to my standards) and that makes me a bit crazy. I NEED to exercise and it's just not happening. Exercise seriously is my medicine. I feel so great after doing it. My husband is extremely busy so I can't really workout because he would need to watch the baby while I do that and then shower. I am going to call a doctor tomorrow about these grumpy, angry feelings. I don't know if I need to call my neurologist or my mid-wife. I could even start by calling the MS Lifeline people. They are really helpful and they might know who I should talk to. I don't think these feelings are a side effect of Rebif but who knows.

It's hard

I am having a hard time facing the realization that I have MS. I am very blessed to not be having any symptoms right now (I'll be getting my blurry vision checked soon.) but that is what makes it hard for me to understand that there is something wrong. I have mentioned it before but I really hate Monday, Wednesday and Friday's because of my shots. It's just such a strong reminder that I am not normal. I pray that these shots do what they are suppose to. I pray that I will always be as physically strong as I am now or stronger. I pray that I will mentally be okay. I pray that someday there will be a miracle and when I get my MRI I will be that miracle patient whose MS has just vanished.

Rebif

First, I want to say thank-you for all your wonderful comments and warm welcome to blogging.

I started my Rebif injections on June 19th. This was one of the hardest days in my life. Not only did I have to start giving myself injections 3 times a week but it was also the last day of breast feeding my baby. I talked to my neurologist about how important breast feeding was to me and I wondered if I would be able to do it and if I could for how long. My midwife said if he allows 2 weeks it is better than nothing. I was blessed to be able to breast feed for the first 2 months of Asa's life. I also pumped (I felt like a cow.) a whole extra months supply of milk. So, he actually got 3 months of mommies milk. I was very proud of all the milk I pumped. If you are a mother and you breast fed your baby you can understand how hard it was for me to have to stop after only 2 months. It is such an amazing bonding experience. In preparation to stop breast feeding I had to see how he did with the bottle. He did such a great job and had absolutely no trouble at all. Myself on the other hand was sobbing so hard I had to have my husband finish the feeding because I just couldn't do it. Then, when I saw my husband feeding him I realized it was officially over. I just went in the bathroom and cried. It still makes me sad. The one thing that frustrates me is when people ask me if I'm breast feeding because they have no idea what is going on in my life. Seriously, why do they care and it's just a personal thing. I knew I needed to start my MS treatment because in order for me to take care of my baby I needed to take care of myself. I just hope I will always be able to take care of my baby.

When I was having the double vision I had to go through a steroid treatment. Two of my very close friends insisted on going to this with me. I warned them that I hated needles and was afraid of them. Well, my one friend told me that I'm not afraid of needles I am terrified. She said she had never seen anything like it. It really is awful when I need to get a shot or get blood drawn (which I need to do now every 3 months). I just get so anxious and it's a fight to basically hold my arm down. By the 3rd day of steroids I was getting better with the IV. After having a baby I think I can say I'm a little better with needles. When I heard I had to give myself injections I just didn't know how I was going to survive this. I felt awful for the poor nurse who came to our house to teach my how to use the injector. She probably had to sit and wait a good 45 minutes until I actually did the shot. I started the shot on a Friday so the next one wasn't until Monday. My husband has been so wonderful through this whole thing. He sat with me and was basically coaching me through it. After about 3 months of doing my injections I have gotten much better. It's only about a ten minute ordeal compared to a 45 minute ordeal. For about the first 2 months I would cry. I also went through an angry stage (which still happens). I would swear and say I just don't understand why anyone has to do this to themselves. I've gotten much better but I still get angry and hate that I have to do this to myself. It really is a crazy thing to have to give yourself shots. I do my shots on Monday, Wednesday and Friday's. I've started to hate these days of the week. I feel like all day I am anticipating giving myself the shot at night. I have a great bunch of friends that I teach with and we've started doing a Girl's Night once a month. Well, I try to get us to do them on Saturday nights because the last time it was a Friday night I just couldn't have fun and I was just so anxious about getting home and doing my shot. I also prefer not to drink alcohol on shot nights. I know I really shouldn't be drinking at all but I really need the occasional glass of wine. In one of my blogs I wrote about the angry feelings I've been having and Lisa posted a comment that made me think. She wrote: "While you were trying to get pregnant and MS was not affecting you much, it probably was almost like MS was not a part of your life. But now it's a much more frequent issue." How true that is. There were so many times when I could forget that I had MS but since I've started Rebif it's a HUGE part of my life. Since the double vision I've have been blessed to have not had any other symptoms (although I'm starting to have some blurred vision on occasion). There isn't an hour in my day that goes by when I'm not thinking about my MS. Will I ever accept MS as part of my life?

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. The word I use to describe how I am feeling. I'm not sure why I feel so overwhelmed because I am not working this year. I took a one year leave from teaching 2nd grade to be at home with my baby (So, I am working a 24/7 job with no sick time.). I am so glad I decided to do this. I wouldn't want anyone else to be taking care of my baby now. He is 5 months old right now and I couldn't ask for a better baby. I haven't told my husband that I feel overwhelmed because I can't even imagine what word he would use to describe how he is feeling right now. He is very busy at work, taking two college courses which are very demanding with reading and writing, dealing with landlord issues (finding new tenants and getting one to pay on time), getting the house ready for winter, trying to pay bills on time and in his free time spending time with his wife and baby. I really feel like I can't complain but it's how I feel. I LOVE being a mommy but it truly is the hardest thing in the world. No one can really tell you how hard being a mommy is. If they do you truly won't know until you are in it. I have no idea how I am suppose to get back into my career come next September. Who will keep the house clean, do laundry, and make an occasional dinner(I have wonderful husband who when he has time makes great dinners)? I am a clean freak so in order for me to not be grumpy my house must be clean. I know I don't have to worry about that yet but I do think of it often. I think I'm still dealing with my MS diagnosis a lot too. I don't think I'll ever be able to accept the fact that I have this. I've only been on Rebif for 3 months now and it sucks. There are many days after doing my shot that I feel really awful. I am glad I don't have to go to teach everyday because every Tuesday and Thursday I think I would be calling in for a substitute. Today I actually wished I could have called a substitute mommy. I do the best I can on these days to be the best mommy I can be. I am hoping come next Sept. I will be adjusted to this harsh medicine.

I hope to write my next blog about my feelings towards Rebif.

GRRR!

I'm not sure why I am feeling the way I do. I've been having these feelings for maybe a month now. I just sometimes feel so grumpy and if something isn't done by me then it isn't being done right. I also turn bossy telling my husband how to do things that I know he can do just fine. I really don't like this grumpy and almost angry feeling because I feel as though I can't control it. I get frustrated because the way I am acting isn't me. I don't act this way. It almost feels like an outer body experience that I don't have any control over. Why am I so grumpy? What am I so frustrated about?

Why I write

First, let me say do not judge me on my writing. I have never been a strong writer and I struggle with words. I'm not here to be creative or to have people enjoy reading what I write. I don't care if people even read my blog. I am here for me. I started this blog so I could have a place to write about my feelings and MS. I have such a wonderful support group but no one truly understands how I feel and what I am going through. I have a very dear friend who was diagnosed with MS at about the same time I was. It sucks to have this happen to a close friend but at the same time it is a blessing to have each other. We talk a lot but I sometimes feel that MS is all we talk about. I read someones blog the other day and it was quoting the quote "I might have MS but MS doesn't have me." I feel the same way they do. It does have me and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Now that I have started Rebif I feel like MS is in control of my life. I have my good days where I think positively and then I have my bad days. I know this is true with everyone even if they don't have MS. I am now going through the period of asking why. I just get frustrated to have to give myself shots and have to have my husband help too. I just hate the thought of having to do this for the rest of my life. It pretty much stinks and no one understands unless they are doing it too. They can try to understand but they just won't get it.

Diagnosis

Here's the short version: I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in October 2006. The symptom I was having was double vision. I am a teacher so this made it extremely hard to read to my students and basically do anything. It also was affecting my driving. I wasn't sure what was going on so I started with a visit to the eye doctor. I saw her a few times and she did a number of different testes and finally suggested an MRI. When looking at the MRI results she was thinking it looked like MS so she recommended me to a neurologist. The neurologist said it was MS. My husband and I wanted a second opinion so we went to the MS Clinic in Rochester, NY. They too confirmed that it was MS.

I didn't start a treatment right away because my husband and I were in the process of trying to have a baby. We spent a year and a half trying to get pregnant. During this time I had no new symptoms of MS. When I finally got pregnant I did great too. After having my baby I started using Rebif. I have been using Rebif for 3 months now.