Thursday, November 6, 2008

Who am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately and wondering what happened to me. I am a mommy of a 6 1/2 month old who I love with all my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. Since having him though I feel like everything I used to enjoy doing I no longer have time to do. Here are some of the things I miss and wonder if I'll ever get to do again: My husband and I used to go to open mic nights together (he played guitar and I sang). I really enjoyed singing and it made me feel good. I also used to workout for about 2 hours a day. I worked 4 hours a week at the local gym so I could workout there for free. I paid to have a personal trainer once a week who would kick my ass and I loved it. I miss the body I once had. I know everything distributes differently after having a baby but I looked good and felt good too. Okay-so there's only two things I really miss but I miss them A LOT. I also think that taking off a year from teaching is making me rethink who I am. I am starting to miss making money- A LOT! I like to shop and now I can't do it b/c we have lost a whole income. It is for a good reason (to raise my son) and I know I will never regret it. I might even do it for my 2nd child (If I decide to have any more.) I've been a teacher since 1999 and am starting to wonder if that is really how I want to spend the rest of my working life. It's a freakin' hard job. I visit job websites frequently and wonder what do I want to be when I grow up? I think I would love it if my husband made a whole bunch of money and I could work in a little coffee shop. I would love a job that is 9-5 or 8-4 which requires no outside work. A job that have very little stress. Teaching is so time consuming (if you do a good job). I would also really like to find a job where I get summers off and I'd like to make no less money than I was. This is a tough order I know. I might have to sacrifice something here I know. I was actually thinking of talking to my principal and seeing if there where any other positions (so I could get out of the classroom) opening like maybe an AIS position. I was even going to try to think of a new position to create. Anyone have any ideas of what I could do once I need to go back to work? I looked online last night trying to find jobs I could do from home. It's hard being a grown up. It sucks that we need to make money.


pUNKrOCKfairy said...

God, I remember struggling with these questions. I remember how hard it was to incorporate being someone's mother into my sense of self. And wondering if I would ever figure out how to be all those people at one time: the mom, the employee, the sister, the music lover, the book worm, the wife. To have to find your new identity as a mom, and a person with a degenerative disease at the same time seems unfair to me. Your burden is too heavy, and you have my understanding if you collapse under it from time to time.

However, I hope you'll have enough faith to believe me if I tell you that you don't have to figure these things out all at once. Some of them will take care of themselves as choices are made and opportunities present themselves. I would never waste my time trying to convince you not to worry; it's part of your burden as a mother. But try to believe that if you take things one at a time, each "thing" will get the best you can offer.

Weeble Girl said...

You are so right about teaching. I feel the same way many, many times. What else could I do that wouldn't leave me exhausted and working nights and weekends at home?

Sigh, good luck.