Thursday, September 25, 2008

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. The word I use to describe how I am feeling. I'm not sure why I feel so overwhelmed because I am not working this year. I took a one year leave from teaching 2nd grade to be at home with my baby (So, I am working a 24/7 job with no sick time.). I am so glad I decided to do this. I wouldn't want anyone else to be taking care of my baby now. He is 5 months old right now and I couldn't ask for a better baby. I haven't told my husband that I feel overwhelmed because I can't even imagine what word he would use to describe how he is feeling right now. He is very busy at work, taking two college courses which are very demanding with reading and writing, dealing with landlord issues (finding new tenants and getting one to pay on time), getting the house ready for winter, trying to pay bills on time and in his free time spending time with his wife and baby. I really feel like I can't complain but it's how I feel. I LOVE being a mommy but it truly is the hardest thing in the world. No one can really tell you how hard being a mommy is. If they do you truly won't know until you are in it. I have no idea how I am suppose to get back into my career come next September. Who will keep the house clean, do laundry, and make an occasional dinner(I have wonderful husband who when he has time makes great dinners)? I am a clean freak so in order for me to not be grumpy my house must be clean. I know I don't have to worry about that yet but I do think of it often. I think I'm still dealing with my MS diagnosis a lot too. I don't think I'll ever be able to accept the fact that I have this. I've only been on Rebif for 3 months now and it sucks. There are many days after doing my shot that I feel really awful. I am glad I don't have to go to teach everyday because every Tuesday and Thursday I think I would be calling in for a substitute. Today I actually wished I could have called a substitute mommy. I do the best I can on these days to be the best mommy I can be. I am hoping come next Sept. I will be adjusted to this harsh medicine.

I hope to write my next blog about my feelings towards Rebif.

6 comments:

Tori said...

Maybe you should tell husband how you feel. It is part of the marriage deal and you need all the support you can get.

LISA EMRICH said...

Hi Heather,

Congratulations on the new baby!! How exciting!

I can't understand everything you are going through right, specifically being a new mother. But I can understand the overwhelming response you may be experiencing in reaction to facing MS, ie. starting Rebif.

While you were trying to get pregnant and MS was not affecting you much, it probably was almost like MS was not a part of your life. But now it's a much more frequent issue.

Did you know that inflammation and relapse rates increase about three to six months postpartum? It could be that your emotions right now are related to that, or they may not be.

But certainly it would be a good idea to discuss your feelings with your husband and your physician. You're dealing with a lot of stuff right now. For me, the first year after eventual diagnosis (kinda like your postpartum facing of MS), the first year was the hardest. It does get easier.

Lastly, I want to welcome you to the MS Blogger community. I saw a comment you left at Blindbeard's place. My blog is Brass and Ivory and I organize the Carnival of MS Bloggers.

Blindbeard said...

I was on Avonex for 6 months and was so sick, tired and depressed I wouldn't go back on it for anything -- that and I had 2 attacks in that time, which meant I officially FAILED. (YEE HAW! Hated that crap.) I was on Copaxone for 1.5 years and loved it. No sickness, extra fatigue or depression, only itchy injection sites. The shot is sub-q so it doesn't hurt like an IM does. If I ever have to go off Tysbri I am going back on Copaxone. Just my 2cents worth there...

Mandy Crest said...

I found you through a link on Brass and Ivory and just wanted to pop in to say hello. We MS bloggers are a fairly tight-knit bunch, so I'm sure you'll find many blogger friends.

I was diagnosed in 2004 and my blog is MS Maze. I also write at The Health Central Network's Multiple Sclerosis Central. There you will find a large community of online MS buddies and you are welcome to contribute.

I look forward to visiting your blog and reading your posts. I'm also adding you to the MS Maze blogroll. Best of luck with the blog!

pUNKrOCKfairy said...

Welcome to blog world and congrats on your new baby. (Love the name Asa BTW.)

Rebif and MS aside, you could also be dealing with post-partum depression. Mine didn't set in until my first child was about 6 months old. It was hell and I felt guilty about "feeling bad" when I had a beautiful, healthy, and "easy" baby. I SHOULD have told my husband what was going on because he was very confused by my odd behavior and frustrated when I said, "nothing's wrong," and could tell that I was plainly lying. (He was a psych nurse, but not confident enough to push me into counseling.)

You may find that admitting your overwhelmed is all the inspiration the people around you need to help you out and help you feel better.
And BTW, every new mom I know goes through this whether she's "healthy" or not. It takes some time to adjust to the vast range of emotions we're subjected to as moms. Give yourself a break; you'll do great I'm sure.

Heather said...

Thanks for the comment punkrockfairy. You gave me somethings to think about. I need to figure out who to discuss these feeling with-my midwife or neurologist or both. I told my husband tonight that I need to go to counseling.