Break?

Do mommies ever get a break? I think it's hard because I am a stay at home mom and I feel as though this job only "ends" when Asa goes to bed. I'm frustrated because when Asa was born my mom said she would be up to help every Wed. and Fri. Well, this isn't happening. My nannie (her mother) isn't doing well and my mom uses those days to take care of her. Which I understand. I wish my mom knew she would never get this time back with Asa. If I told her that though she'd probably say she'll never get this time back with her mother. Which I understand too. I am just frustrated because I need the help and a break. I just want someone to come and play with Asa while I do some chores or run some errands alone. I think it would just make me feel so much better. I'm also frustrated because we spend $875 on an elliptical machine and I only get to use it on the weekends. I really am trying hard to figure out when to use it. The only time I can figure is in the morning before Asa wakes up and that just doesn't appeal to me. I need to get as much sleep as I possibly can. When he naps I am doing chores like a mad women. I really want to do it during his first morning nap but the length of his naps just aren't consistent enough. I at least want to use the elliptical for 30 min. and then shower. Some days there wouldn't be enough time for a shower. I hope to soon figure this out. I also am looking forward to Spring when we can get outside for walks. Winter is starting to be really long.

I also had a hard day because my husband was home from work. He should have had a snow day but didn't. When he tried to leave our house he couldn't make it down the hill (we live on a really big hill) so turned around and made his own snow day. At first I was so happy because I was thinking he would be a big help to me and I could get a bunch done and have a bit of a break. Well, I didn't realize he was going to work from home. GRRR! He asked why I was so grumpy so I explained: When you are home I feel as though you can help me. At around noon he tried to go to work again but it was freezing rain so he stayed home. It was just an over all hard day. I also have my period so maybe this could be part of my grumpiness or just adding to it.

Today I am grateful for my sister. She is my best friend and I miss her so much (especially on days like this.)!

I miss you

I often wonder what happens to a person when they die. I sometimes believe they are watching over me and know when I am thinking about them. I think about my mother in law a lot and hope she knows how much I miss her. Jo-An if you are watching me and hearing my thoughts I miss you right now. Your husband is over at our house and there have been so many times when I could hear you either speaking to your son or your husband for not paying attention to me or Asa. I miss you. I was also missing you the other day and was wishing you could be the one to give Asa his first haircut. You were not a typical mother in law. We got along and knew that we each loved and appreciated each other. I know how happy you were that your son married me. I miss you and think about you everyday.

Today I am grateful for getting to use my elliptical.

Follow up

I just wanted to share the email I sent to this friend last night and the response I got.

Here is what I wrote:

January 16 at 8:05pm

Hey! Don't call me tonight when you get this message b/c I'll be going to bed at about 8:30. I hope you had a good time and got home safely. I am so sorry I couldn't come out w/ you tonight. I hope you understand. No one understands unless they are in my situation but it really sucks to have your entire life revolve around one thing. I hope someday I adjust to it but its been 7 months of my life already and I am still not adjusted. Every Monday, Wed., and Friday it is what I think about almost all day. On Tues., Thurs., Sat., and Sun., I feel like I need to do something fun and crazy because I don't need to do my shot. It really sucks! I'm sure I could have come out and not drank but it's just not fun when everyone else is doing it. Sorry to blab but I am having a hard time again. It just made me sad when you told me you would be mad at me if I didn't come out. I am sorry. Call me sometime tomorrow. Can you do something next Sat. night? A small girl's night?Let me know b/c if you can maybe I won't go out tomorrow night.

Here is her response (remember she is drunk so it's a bit tricky to read):

January 16 at 11:25pm

yes, we will get together tomorrow night. I forgot it was a a friday and what they meant to you. I didn't mean it when I said I would be mad at you-it would take much more than you not coming to drink with me. I forget what it is like to have one as little as asa at home and I have not idea what it is like to deal with the shots. You are an incredible mother and i would never be mad for you choosing to stay home. My only concern is that i have been there and know how important being with adults and friends is. You put your self last all the time and I hope you and Tim realize all that you are doing to make sure Asa has the best availale to him. Let's make it a plan for next sat. at st. charles. Talk to you tomorrow/

I still haven't heard from her yet today. I need to not let her drunkinness be an excuse for her comments on the phone last night.

Today I am thankful for the choice I made last night.

Seriously?

I need to vent and this is where it happens. I have a handful of close friends who know I have MS and who know I have to give myself shots every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have a friend who we have been wanting to get together for a long time and it just hasn't been working out for us. She called me last night and said she would be going to happy hour tonight and was asking if I'd meet her out. She said she'd be home by 5:00. Well my husband usually gets home at 4:45 so I couldn't go. Here's a bit of info on this friend: she enjoys drinking a lot. When she said she'd be home and 5:00 I didn't believe it. Well she called me tonight at 6:30 and she was still out and would be out for at least another hour. She wanted me to meet her. I said I didn't feel like it. I told her it was too cold to go out. It was 3 degrees. I had just gone to Walmart and couldn't feel my toes and wasn't about to go out again. Also, if she didn't have so much to drink already she would have remembered that I don't drink on the nights I do my shots. It's just something I do. Rebif is hard enough on my liver as it is. So, anyhow she kept trying really hard to get me to go out. She was telling me that I'm a mommy and need a break and need to go out. She was then telling me about all the other mommies that were out drinking. Here's the part that hurt and I couldn't believe she said but again she was drinking. She said she would be mad at me if I didn't meet her out. I then reminded her that I don't go out on Friday nights. Then she remembered I need to do my shot and she said I win and she loved me. Whatever! This was 2 hours ago and it is still bothering me. I emailed and told her how sad she made me feel. She calls me her best friend? I'm wondering what she will have to say when she calls me. I just am frustrated. I also am having a hard time again accepting that I have MS and I am having a hard time with my shots. No one understands unless they are going through it. I told my sister when she was visiting that on the days I don't do my shot I feel like I need to do something super fun or crazy because I feel as though I should be celebrating the fact that I don't have to do my shot. It sucks! I can't believe this is how the rest of my life will be. Hopefully it won't be and eventually I can just take a pill. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Today I am grateful for gift certificates.

25 Random Things About Me

In no particular order:
1. I love my husband more than anything. I am a lucky women.
2. I am a mommy of an 8 1/2 month old baby boy- Asa James.
3. I have one sister who lives in Portland, ME (We are 8 hours apart from each other). I miss her everyday and wished we lived closer to each other. I cherish the time we have together. I also am thankful for the morning phone call I get from her on her drive to work everyday.
4. I was diagnosed in Oct. 2006 with MS.
5. I am afraid of the dark but enjoy looking at the stars.
6. I enjoy drinking wine.
7. I don't go anywhere without my water bottle.
8. I enjoy exercising.
9. I read Post Secrets every Sunday morning.
10. I am afraid of spiders.
11. I enjoy listening to live music.
12. I love to sing. I would love to perform someday.
13. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally.
14. I miss my mother in law.
15. My husband, sister and friends know me better than I know myself.
16. I LOVE when my sister visits but HATE that she has to leave. I miss her so much!
17. I have never lived alone. There are times when I wish I could have had this experience. I think I would be a much braver person.
18. I was born on Christmas day.
19. I am going to learn to sew.
20. When I eat tuna fish sandwiches or macaroni and cheese I need to have chocolate milk to drink.
21. I rarely can stay awake for an entire movie.
22. I am a teacher but am always thinking of what else I could do for a job.
23. I hate saying good-bye to people.
24. I have always wanted to learn to play the cello. I think it's a sexy instrument. I know how to play the violin.
25. I am impressed that I came up with 25 things. It was harder than I thought.


Today I am grateful for the long weekend I got to spend with my sister.

Dilemma

I need to complain again. Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain. I guess this is a good place to do it. So, my husband and I bought an elliptical for Christmas. I used it for 3 days in a row and enjoyed it. Here's the dilemma: my husband was on a break from work making it a bit easier to let me use the elliptical while he watched Asa. He started work again on Monday and it has been two days since I have been on the elliptical. I'm thinking exercise will only be a weekend thing which sucks. I NEED to workout! My husband is on his last class for getting his bachelor's degree and he has two big papers left. He got an extension (he was suppose to be done Dec. 20) because of his mother's passing. I am hoping that once he is done with these papers there will be time for me to workout when he gets home from work. It's hard because he gets home from work at around 5:00 and if I were to workout it would be 6:00 by the time I got done and showered. We need to make dinner and eat too. I've thought about getting up early before Asa wakes up but I'm preferring sleep these days. I thought about exercising during a nap time but the time he naps isn't consistent. I'd like to workout for at least 30 min. and then shower but sometimes he only sleeps for 30 min. I've also thought about exercising when he goes to bed but I go to be an hour after he does and I'm way to exhausted by 7:00 to think of exercising. Any ideas of when I can exercise? I'm also so anxious for the spring to get here because then Asa and I can go for walks.

So many thoughts

Warning: This blog is going to be a mess with a bunch of different thoughts and ramblings. But remember I don't write for an audience I write for me.

I always feel like I have so much to write about but no time to actually get to it. When I get to do it I forget what I was going to write about.

I am really enjoying reading the blogs I like to read each day. There are a few bloggers who I'd really like to get to know better. I wish they lived closer too.

My sister is going to be coming for a visit this Saturday and I can't even begin to say how excited I am about it. The last time she was here was in August and Asa was 4 months old. He is now 8 months old and grown so much. She lives about 8 hours away in Portland, ME so it's not easy getting to see her. She will be back in April to celebrate Asa's 1st birthday and then my husband, Asa and I hope to visit her in the summer. It will be a big trip for Asa but possible. My sister and I have gotten so much closer since my diagnosis of MS and having Asa. She is my best friend and I share everything with her. She is the only one who is allowed to read my blog. She is actually the one who got me started and introduced me to blogging. She is an amazing and incredible writer (I think she got all the creativeness.). She recently just started a new blog in which she will be writing letters to me. I am looking forward to reading these letters and think this will even bring us closer. I know that when she visits this weekend I hope to get caught up on our lives when we were high school. We both probably have such different experiences and there were things that happened that I believe we need to talk about. There are so many times when I wished she lived closer. I would love to just get to spend more time with her and hang out.

Someday I'd like to write about my parents but I wouldn't even know where to start. It really requires therapy not writing.

I am sad for today to end. My husband has been off of work since Christmas and it has been wonderful. I have enjoyed all of his help with Asa. I will miss him so much.

Today I am grateful for Asa sleeping 12 hours last night. I am getting better at sleeping and not waking up to check on him. I still don't sleep that good because I am listening to the monitor to hear him. Another good thing about Asa sleeping better is I can now stay up until 9:00. I am also grateful for getting the time to use the elliptical again. I'm not sure how I'll find the time now that my husband starts work again tomorrow. We'll need to figure out something so we both can work out.

Good night and sweet dreams!

Mothers

My mother in law passed away on December 4th. I think of her so much and miss her. There is so much more I wish I could have said to her. My husband doesn't talk about her much since she passed. I asked him last night if it was okay that I talk about her and let him know when I am thinking about her. He said it was fine. He shared with me last night that the reason he stays up so late at night is because he is sad and thinking about his mom and can't sleep. I was so glad he shared that with me. The other day I had just gotten off the phone with my mother and she said something to annoy me. I was feeding Asa and started to cry. My husband wondered what was wrong. I told him that I feel so bad that I complain about my mother and feel awful that she makes me so crazy when he doesn't have his mom anymore. This has really been bothering me. My mom has been doing and saying things to make me a bit nuts. I try to be more patient with her but it's hard. I also think about the fact that she might not be here tomorrow. I will add being more patient to my resolutions for the new year.

Today I am grateful for working out on my new elliptical.

Happy New Year

Seriously? Here's how I wanted to spend my New Year's Eve: my husband and I were going to watch a movie and have some champagne. We didn't get the champagne because we were snowed in so the movie was still in the plans. Here's how I spent the night: I was really tired so I knew if we started the movie chances were good I'd fall asleep. I took my Tylenol at 7:00 in preparation to do my Rebif at 8:00. It was my husbands turn to do the shot. It freakin' hurt like hell and I started to feel like crap about 15 min. after. I went to bed at 8:45. No movie. No champagne. So, today I am feeling like crap from my shot. I honestly feel like I was out until 3 am and had a great night of drinking. I have had a migraine headache all day (it went away at about 4:00) and felt like puking. I did nothing last night to earn this feeling. My husband was joking saying all I did on my New Year's Eve was one shot and I got completely hungover. I'm lucky I don't feel this way after every shot. It makes me worry though that when I go back to teaching in Sept. how I would go to work feeling like this.

So, Happy New Year!

Today I am grateful that my husband spent the time to put out new elliptical together. Tomorrow I will start working on that resolution. Wish me luck!