Few things

I just wanted to mention a few things that I am grateful for (although lately I am grateful for many things): I am so grateful that Asa is sleeping through the night. Now I just need to work on sleeping all night without checking on him 2-3 times a night. I am also grateful that my husband has a week off from work. I know he has homework to get caught up on but still it will be a bit of a break for me.

Sad day

Today was a sad day. It was weird. I thought about my mother-in-law so many times today. I was trying to hold back the tears or when I did cry I didn't let my husband see. I finally told him that I was sad today because I was thinking about his mom a lot. I kept hearing her over and over in my head during different times today. My husband told me I was crying his tears. It's so sad to me and it just doesn't seem real yet. I HATE when people die. I feel like it's so hard to go on like normal because things aren't normal, someone important in your life is missing. I hope my husband knows he can be sad around me and that it's okay to cry. He did break down at the funeral which I thought was good but I hope he knows he doesn't have to play tough guy. I can't even imagine loosing a parent. My parents tend to drive me bonkers but I would miss them terribly. I HATE death.


I am grateful that my husband got our Christmas tree today and I at least got the lights hung up.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't written in such a long time but things have been busy. I've been faithfully reading everyone else's blogs but haven't really felt like writing on mine.

Things have been really hard the last few weeks. My mother-in-law passed away from a long battle with cancer. I'm really not ready to talk about it. I don't deal with death to well (not that anyone does). I'm the type of person that gets attached to people so much that when they die I just miss them so much. It's just so sad. I'm sad for our son, Asa, who will really never know his grandma. I am also thankful that she got to get to know him for 7 1/2 months of his life.

Three days after my mother-in-law passed away my husband's close friends mom also died. It was unexpected because she fell down the stairs in her house and hit her head. I am done with funerals for a while I hope. It's just so hard.

I also haven't written because I've been so stinkin' tired. I'm not sure if it's from my MS, the winter weather or being inside all day. I'm hoping I am just in a slump and it's not any MS symptoms.

Today I am grateful for the delicious Peppermint Latte I drank to help give me a boost.

Random rambling

I think about writing on my blog all the time but time just doesn't permit. When baby is sleeping I am doing chores like a mad women. There are also a lot of things going on in our lives right now. My husbands mother is terminally ill. Cancer is going to take her life. It has been so hard this last month and she is really in a bad way. It makes me so sad. There is so much more I'd like to write on this topic. I will when I can.

I just got news today that a co worker had died last night. He was 46 years old with a wife and two children. He wasn't feeling well so went to the hospital. They are going to do an autopsy to say what really happened. It either was his heart or he had a bad kidney infection. So sad. It really makes you stop and think about the little things in life and what is truly important.

I need to loosen up more. I've gotten better since having my baby. I am the type of person who needs to have a plan or know the plan. If there is something different or unexpected in the plan I get grumpy and stressed. I don't like this about myself but I have been this way for a long while. I need to go with the flow more often.

As for my MS things are thankfully no different. My Rebif shot is hurting again. It burns really bad when being injected which makes it hard. My husband did my shot last Wed. (in my buttocks) and it hurt so much that I pulled away and didn't get all the Rebif. Why is it hurting all of a sudden? I'm going through the phase of asking why do I have to do this shot to myself and just not believing that I have to do it for the rest of my life.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I enjoyed yummy apple pie for breakfast the next morning.

Like I said in a previous post I am going to write what I am grateful for at the end of each blog. I'd like to do this everyday because I am truly grateful for so many things. Today I am grateful that I get to talk to my sister each morning.

What are you grateful for?

There are four blogs that I read pretty faithfully and one of them is "Living! with MS." Her last entry was title "Gratitude." She is trying to focus on all the good things she has in her life. I thought this would be a good thing to do also. So, each time I write a blog I'd like to try to include one thing that I am grateful for that day (if I remember).


Today I am grateful that I got to go to kick boxing in the morning.

Who am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately and wondering what happened to me. I am a mommy of a 6 1/2 month old who I love with all my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. Since having him though I feel like everything I used to enjoy doing I no longer have time to do. Here are some of the things I miss and wonder if I'll ever get to do again: My husband and I used to go to open mic nights together (he played guitar and I sang). I really enjoyed singing and it made me feel good. I also used to workout for about 2 hours a day. I worked 4 hours a week at the local gym so I could workout there for free. I paid to have a personal trainer once a week who would kick my ass and I loved it. I miss the body I once had. I know everything distributes differently after having a baby but I looked good and felt good too. Okay-so there's only two things I really miss but I miss them A LOT. I also think that taking off a year from teaching is making me rethink who I am. I am starting to miss making money- A LOT! I like to shop and now I can't do it b/c we have lost a whole income. It is for a good reason (to raise my son) and I know I will never regret it. I might even do it for my 2nd child (If I decide to have any more.) I've been a teacher since 1999 and am starting to wonder if that is really how I want to spend the rest of my working life. It's a freakin' hard job. I visit job websites frequently and wonder what do I want to be when I grow up? I think I would love it if my husband made a whole bunch of money and I could work in a little coffee shop. I would love a job that is 9-5 or 8-4 which requires no outside work. A job that have very little stress. Teaching is so time consuming (if you do a good job). I would also really like to find a job where I get summers off and I'd like to make no less money than I was. This is a tough order I know. I might have to sacrifice something here I know. I was actually thinking of talking to my principal and seeing if there where any other positions (so I could get out of the classroom) opening like maybe an AIS position. I was even going to try to think of a new position to create. Anyone have any ideas of what I could do once I need to go back to work? I looked online last night trying to find jobs I could do from home. It's hard being a grown up. It sucks that we need to make money.

Finally

So, I finally got in touch with my neurologist (after playing phone tag for 4 days). I called him to discuss the way I've been feeling with my grumpiness, anger and overwhelmed feelings. Also, to ask if it was okay for me to get the flu shot (FYI: he said yes to the flu shot). He said there were three things we could do: try counseling, go on meds, or stop the Rebif. I knew even before he called me back that I was going to try counseling first. I already had the names of two counselors ready to call. I am not one for medicine. So, to be taking something like Rebif it tough for me. I really don't want to put too much more in my system. I think if I could do some counseling and actually find the time to workout more than twice a week I would be feeling much better.

It's so hard to find time to write and I have so much more to say. I'll try again later this weekend.