My Life and Dealing With MS

2010-08-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm just wondering when a mother gets some rest? So tired.

Also, realizing that the things I used to do that were relaxing to me are no longer relaxing because I have the "help" of my little buddy.

Today I am thankful for Asa sleeping in until 6:20.

2010-08-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how little time there actually is to write on this blog. My life is about to completely change again and get even busier. I will be heading back to teach 2nd grade in September. It is the first year I am not at all excited to be going back. I've really enjoyed the summer and am very used to my new routine. I have to keep reminding myself that I only have to teach for 3 months though b/c I'm due to have baby #2 on Dec. 1st. Here's the other reason my life is going to get completely crazy. Don't get me wrong. I am very excited about having a new addition I just don't know if I'm ready for it. My son is 28 months old now and he poops me out. 3 weeks ago we put him into his big boy bed and this has been a major adjustment. It is rare that he actually sleeps through the night. For example, last night he feel asleep at 8:30. He then was awake from 12:30-1:40 (once I'm awake it takes me sooo long to go back to sleep and the baby also starts kicking and I really can't sleep w/ that going on) and then at 4:14 he decides that he wants to wake up and eat. Oh, boy! We finally managed to let him sleep in our bed for a few extra minutes (I again didn't sleep.) and he was up for good at 5:30. CRAZY! I'm so tired. It's nights like this that don't make me look forward to being up every 1-2 hours to feed a newborn. I wonder when a mother will ever get to sleep again. I do not look forward to starting my MS meds again b/c they were rough to adjust too and sleep is a major benefit.

I'll do my best to write more. My hands are tired.

Today I am thankful for my friend Carrie.

2010-06-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

I need to find time to look for a new profile pic. My baby is now a little boy.

2010-06-25T06:07:00.001-07:00

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I have written. I suppose I am still figuring out how to balance work, family and all the other things that need to get done in a day.

Yesterday was my last day of teaching. I'm on summer vacation! I was all set to teach summer school until I visited my OB (I'm 16 weeks pregnant.). I have placenta previa and was told to take it easy. I can't exercise, lift more that 5 pounds, or have sex. All of this restrictions have made my life a bit more challenging. My son was going to daycare b/c I had to teach summer school and that was how we were going to pay for him to go. Well, now since I can't pick him up and put him in his crib he is still going to daycare. This makes me sad. I want to spend time with him b/f baby comes. I take him a bit later than normal and pick him up early.

As for my MS- I'm doing well b/c I'm pregnant. I get so nervous to think about starting Rebif again. I really hate giving myself injections. Agh.

Today I am thankful for my Dunkin Donut gift card (from one of my students).

2010-01-17T16:47:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for steroids. I am hoping they help with my vision.

I haven't written here in a while b/c I'm going through a grumpy stage in my life. I'm not sure there would be much positive to write. I'm dealing with a lot these days and just am not ready to vent.

2010-01-01T17:55:00.001-08:00

I haven't been keeping up with this-sorry. Here's a few things I am thankful for to catch up:
- I am thankful to know Asa will have a cousin coming in August. Yes, my sister is pregnant! I am so so so happy for her. It is going to make it that much more difficult to have 8 hours separating us though. Oh, how I wish we were only 10 min. from each other. I want to be there for her for so many things during her pregnancy. She played such a big part in my pregnancy and then on the day Asa was born I don't think we could have done it without her. I want so bad to give her back what she did for me. I think I am going to struggle with this.

- I am thankful for these 11 days I've had together with Asa and Tim. It is going to be so hard for us all to go back to work and daycare on Monday. We still have Sat. and Sun. to enjoy.

- I am thankful that my parents came up to play with Asa while Tim and I spent some time shopping together. I enjoy our time together.

FYI: My husband and I are working on getting pregnant again. It would be so great if my sister and I were pregnant at the same time. I am doing great being off of my meds. If I'm not pregnant by the end of Jan. my OB will put me on clomide. I'm on a bit of a time crunch due to the fact I have MS and need to get back on my meds. No pressure.

2009-12-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for Christmas break with my husband and son.

2009-11-29T16:46:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful to have my husband home from the hospital. It is so scary when you have to call 911.

2009-11-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for free coffee.

I am missing my sister so much these days. Oh how I wish we lived closer.

2009-11-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for a better day than yesterday.

2009-11-13T16:39:00.001-08:00

I am being treated for the swine flu. I have never felt so awful in my life. Asa has a fever and a cough too. I am hoping he doesn't feel as awful as me. We are both on meds. Wish us well. It is hard being a sick mommy who can't take care of her baby.

Today I am thankful for a wonderful husband who is taking care of a sick wife and a sick son.

2009-11-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for a "Heather Day."

2009-11-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful to have the day off tomorrow.

2009-11-08T17:06:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for a great weekend with Tim and Asa. Tim and I had a date night on Saturday night and it was so nice. We need to get better at going out at least once a month. We also had a lot of fun with Asa. He is such a good boy.

Eye update: Vision in my right eye is back. I'm struggling a bit with very blurred vision in both eyes. I go to the neuro tomorrow.

2009-11-07T20:16:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for a great date night with my husband. We really need to do this again.

2009-11-02T16:43:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful that Monday is over!

2009-11-01T17:32:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for a great day with Asa and Tim. Also, some delicious fall cider and donuts.

2009-11-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

It's hard to be happy when you can't flippen' see! Grrr! My vision is getting a bit better but this truly sucks!

2009-10-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

Vision is slowly slowly coming back. I am hopeful.

Today I am thankful for some Halloween chocolate and wine. Mommy needed wine. Asa was a super cute lion for Halloween. Love him!

2009-10-30T16:39:00.001-07:00

Today I couldn't be more thankful to be getting some vision in my right eye back. I'm hoping for it to all be back by Monday.

Trying

2009-10-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Trying to stay positive. Long story short b/c typing at the computer is tricky. I have a new symptom. I am blind in my right eye and it happened rather quickly. I started the steroid treatment last night and am hoping it helps and I can see again. On the bright side- my MRI showed no new lesions.

Today I am thankful for my friends who are helping me through this difficult time.

2009-10-23T17:38:00.001-07:00

Today I am grateful that my husband is home. It was a very long week without him.

2009-10-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for my friend Johanna. It is at tough times when you realize who your true friends are.

2009-10-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for turning around. My husband and I were sitting at a stop sign when I noticed a man lying on his roof. There was a ladder leaning against the house. I asked my husband if he looked okay. My husband thought it was a Halloween decoration b/c the man wasn't moving. I continued on and then my husband and I decided to turn around b/c we saw the man move. I pulled into this mans driveway, my husband got out and asked the man if he was okay. He asked my husband to hold the ladder. He made it down safely. How crazy?!

2009-10-15T17:45:00.001-07:00

Today I am thankful for another day of my student teacher doing her solo week. Do I really need to teach again on Monday?

2009-10-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful that my student teacher is solo teaching. I'm enjoying the stress free (for the most part) days. I will miss her!

October 12th

2009-10-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful to have spent the day with Asa and my sister. I will miss her so much when she leaves tomorrow. I wish we had more time together and we didn't live so far from each other. Love you sis!

I'm still here

2009-10-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have thought about my blog a lot but have absolutely no time to write. I continue to read three of my favorite bloggers blogs faithfully. I've been thinking of a way to write on my blog daily and I came up with this: I am going to try to make a point each day to write something that I am thankful for each day. If there is every a moment when I have more time I will write more.

Today I am thankful to have my sister visiting from ME!

Venting

2009-09-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

I use this blog mainly for a place to vent. Here it goes: I am exhausted and I don't even have students until the day after Labor Day! I just feel completely overwhelmed. I don't like it!!! I'm such an anal person when it comes to my house. I'm freaking out b/c my house chores are not getting done up to my standards. It is so hard for me. I am trying to be a much more positive person at work and have a better attitude. So inorder to put on that happy face I think I'll definitely be venting here. I am so tired now and need to go to bed so hopefully getting this out will let me sleep better. Good night.

Today I am thankful for my precious son.

Night Out

2009-08-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

I am in desparate need of a night out with some friends. I just want to go out for a few drinks. I'd like to go out at about 8 and be home by 10:30. I'm feeling really tired these days and I haven't even started work yet. There are only about 3 people I'd like to go out with and the one girl needs more than a nights notice, the other girl doesn't go out until about 10:00 and the other girl is basically an alcoholic and can't go out for a few drinks. I'm sure I'll survive. I just feel like I need to have a few last fun nights before work starts. I'm afraid I'll be too tired and stressed to have any fun.

Today I am thankful that my husband spent the day with me and Asa.

Not looking forward

2009-08-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

I am not looking forward to starting work on Wednesday. I've really enjoyed these past 16 1/2 months of being a mommy and just doing my own thing. I get such anxiety when I think about how it will all get done. How will my school work get done? I'm a pretty hardcore and dedicated teacher. I would spend most of my weekends and every week night doing school work. I know this has to change now that I have a child of my own. I just hope I can still do a good job at teaching. Asa is now my priority. How will the house get cleaned? I do so much to keep the house decent. I know there won't be time for that anymore. I also don't want my weekends to just be endless chores. When will I work out? I've thought about getting up early but I know I am going to prefer sleep. I've also thought about doing it at 7:45 after Asa goes to bed. I am completely exhausted by then and I haven't even started work yet. Any suggested would help. I don't want to miss any time away from Asa. I really don't want to go back to work. I wish money was not a necessity. I have two books and 3 magazines sitting on my couch right now waiting to be read. I really want to finish them b/f teaching starts b/c I know there will be no down time.

Sorry about all the complaining but I needed to vent and that is why I created this blog.

Today I am thankful it is Saturday and I get to see my Asa. Love him!

16 1/2 months

2009-08-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

I took off the last school year to be a mommy. I have been home for 16 1/2 amazing months with my son. Reality is quickly approaching. I am wondering if I am going to be ready for the HUGE lifestyle change. Ready or not it is coming. We have been sending all day to daycare to get him (and me) ready for this transition. He loves it! I'm doing better than I thought but it is so hard. I miss him so much! He is such a good boy. I wouldn't have done this any differently. It was such an amazing 16 months!

I am noticing I don't have much time to sit and write on my blog. I'm thinking this is going to get pushed to the side once I start teaching. I'm also thinking I just won't have time to do anything for me. I hope I'm ready for crazy time. Blah!

Asa is at daycare today and I can't get into school. I must go and clean my house one last time before school starts. I'm really not sure how all of this is going to work. It will work. I have an amazing husband who will be a huge help. We need to remember that I am not the only one going back to work but the whole family is. It will be a transition that we all need to adjust to. I am giving myself until October to have some sort of routine down. One thing I'm concerned about is working out. I was going to get up early but I prefer sleep. I am feeling so so tired these days (work hasn't even started). I thought I might workout after Asa went to bed at 7:30. By 7:00 I'm ready to crash too. Ahhh!

Also, I am working on stopping all my meds so I can try to get pregnant again. I am really nervous about stopping my Rebif but we'll see. I'm happy in a way to stop it b/f school starts b/c I was really worried. There are somedays where the side effects are so bad that I wouldn't be able to get to school to teach. I'll keep you posted on how this all goes.

I do read all your blogs but just don't have time for my own. Hope all is well with everyone!

Today I am grateful for a Heather day.

It's been awhile

2009-08-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been away for so long. In my free time I have been enjoying some books. I've preferred to use my free time reading rather than blogging. I also feel like I have so much to write about and don't have the energy. I've also been reading about 4 other blogs each day and that too takes time. Also, I've been getting ready to head back to work after almost 16 months. I'm getting very anxious about it. My friends tell me I am a veteran teacher and it will be like riding a bike. Well, the last time I rode a bike things didn't go so smoothly and I haven't done it since. I need to have a better attitude about the whole thing. I've been sending my son to daycare to help us all get adjusted to the big change that is going to hit us. Next week he will go everyday and I will head to my classroom to prep for the beginning of the year. People have no idea the amount of work that needs to get done to start a school year. I just hope the stress won't affect my MS. I'm also a bit nervous b/c at the end of this month I'm going to stop taking my Rebif in hopes to get pregnant again. I was so worried about working while taking Rebif b/c sometime the side effects hit me hard the next day. I didn't realize I wouldn't be on Rebif so I guess that is one less worry.

I will do my best to write again soon. I know once teaching starts I probably won't be blogging much, doing facebook or much of anything fun. Although I did tell my husband to please make sure he still sees me reading for enjoyment. I do need some down time at night b/f going to bed.

Today I am grateful that my sons daycare is closed so we can spend a lot of time together this week.

Touching base

2009-06-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

I just read one of the 4 blogs that I read each night. She said she thinks about blogging and doesn't do it. I feel the same way. There is so much to write about but I just either don't have the time and then when I have the time I am too tired or don't feel like doing it. I already can tell you that when I go back to teaching on Sept. 2nd I will most likely never blog again. I also enjoy reading blogs. I am really exhausted right now but just wanted to touch base. Good night.

Today I am thankful for my husband. He helped me step out of my box on Sunday. I plan on writing about this sometime. I had a great time!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

I had a really great weekend! It started on Saturday with my husband telling me he was going to give me money to go shopping. I spent basically all day shopping. I went alone. I sometimes like to go alone because then you can go at your own pace and leave when ready. It was a bit sad though because this trip was suppose to be with my sister. She will be visiting soon and I will continue this little shopping spree with the money I have left. I usually like to go with a friend because I need opinions. My foot is still driving my crazy but I am doing my best to ignore it and go on with life. If you didn't know I had such pain you would have no idea. I am tough and I won't let this knock me on my ass.

After an exhausting 5 1/2 hours of being out of my house I decided it was a good idea to go out with a few friends for a drink. Let me just tell you that by the time 7:00 came (I was going out at 8:00) I was ready for bed. I still went out and actually had a really nice time.

Today was a great day too. It started with my 1 year old carrying out a card for me which was just too precious. My husband then made me the most delicious French toast I have ever had. It was so much better than a restaurant. We enjoyed our day together as a family. Then my husband made me a chicken parm. dinner topped with delicious wine. It was a really great weekend!!! It is so amazing being a mommy.

Today I am thankful for my husband.

Uncontrolable

2009-05-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal: There are times when I have extreme grumpiness that I have no control over. I know I am doing it and know I am acting ridiculous but just can't stop it. I over react at the littlest things. I hate the way I am acting at the time but it just happens. I never used to be like this. There are times when I really want to think I can blame it on the Rebif. I also could blame it on MS and still trying to deal with that.

Update: I feel as though my right side has gotten less numb and tingly. I'm not sure if this is because my right foot is so uncomfortable that I'm forgetting about the other annoying things happening. My foot still feels as though I am walking on golf balls. I feel like there is something stuck between my big toe and the next toe. My neurologist said to take 400-600mg. of IB Profin to help with the pain. I tried and it didn't help. He said to call on Monday if the pain was the same or worse.

There is a really good deal being offered at the local fitness and I've been debating about joining for the last week. I used to workout there a lot. When I got pregnant I was so exhausted I just quit and really have never thought I'd have the time to join again. My husband is very encouraging and telling me that even if I just went 3 times a month it would be worth the deal. I was thinking I could go Sat. and Sun. mornings and then one night a week. I really used to enjoy doing step and kickboxing classes. I'm just wondering about my foot and if I could do this. The attitude I had last night was F*CK MY FOOT! I really don't want this to control me and what I do. You also need to sign up for an 18 month membership. It's crazy for me to think about my life in 18 months. I'd like to think in 18 I'll be pregnant again. Then there definitely won't be time to go to the gym with two kids. I'm so torn as to join or not. AHHHHHHHHH!!! The whole getting pregnant thing is a whole other issue because of what is going on with me now.

Today I am grateful for wine.

Support Group

2009-05-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

I live in a small town. There are MS support groups both north and south of me about an hour away. I'm really not willing to travel there. I wish there were something in my town. I've thought about starting a group but am not up to it right now. I also want to go to a support group that is supportive and positive and not just a bunch of people of complaining. I go to counseling once a week for a whole other reason but during these times talk of MS has come up. I guess sometimes I look at that as support. I just would like to meet with other people who have MS in my town. Any ideas or thoughts?

Today I am thankful for my wonderful husband.

Treatment

2009-04-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

Woo! Hoo! Today was the last day of my 3 day infusion steroid treatment. Tomorrow I start the 7 day oral Prednisone. It's been a rough three days to say the least but I made it through. I really wanted to quit yesterday but I knew I needed to do this for my baby and me. The burning sensation has stopped under my breast and back but my leg and foot are not much better. My foot actually is having a different feeling. It's hard to explain but I'll try. It feels really really cold but when I touch it it doesn't feel cold. It also feels hard on the bottom and really uncomfortable to walk on. My foot feels like a rock. It feels like I am walking on a rock. Do I call my neurologist and tell him about his new feeling? I've decided I will call him Monday if it still feels like this.

MS is so hard to deal with. I feel like you can't really fight it. I am definitely a fighter and very competitive person. I really don't like to be beat. I am doing my best to not let MS beat me! It's hard for me to know and understand that I really can't fight MS. The only thing I can do is try to stay positive and continue to walk in the MS walk each year and raise as much money as I can for the society.

Today I am thankful that in 5 days my sister will be taking a long journey to visit us. I miss her so much!

The ABC's of Me

2009-04-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Weebs- I chose to do this on my blog rather than share it on FB.

A - Age: I'm apparently 32. I'll need to share that story sometime because it's funny.

B - Bed size: Queen size bed and so comfy.

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the shower! Yuck!

D - Dog's name: I don't have a dog. I have a cat named Lucky.

E - Essential start your day: a shower

F - Favorite color: used to be blue but now might be green

G - Gold or Silver: Platinum please

H - Height: 4'11 and 3/4" which I round to 5 feet (I kept your exact same answer Weebs.)

I - Instruments you play(ed): I played the violin since 2nd grade and also the piano.

J - Job title: Teacher

K - Kid(s): I have a son who just turned 1.

L - Living arrangements: husband, son and cat

M - Mom's name: I call her Mom.

N - Nicknames: HB, Babes

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: None- thank goodness

P - Pet Peeve: I have a lot!

Q - Quote from a movie: I'm not much of a movie girl.

R - Right or left handed: Right handed

S - Siblings: 1 sister (who is also my best friend)

T - Time you wake up: It all depends on when the kid wakes up. If he's still asleep at 6:30 then the alarm wakes us up.

U- Underwear: yes

V - Vegetable you dislike: asparagus

W - Ways you run late: I honestly have never been late. If I ever were late it would be because I got lost. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I think this makes my husband a bit crazy especially when we are going to a get together. He hates when we are the first people there. He made me go to a BBQ an hour late once and somehow we managed to still be the first people there.
X-rays you've had: MRI's and in high school I broke my elbow, wrist and thumb while cheerleading

Y - Yummy food you make: vegetable lasagna and many many desserts

Z - Zoo favorite: monkeys

Today I am thankful for having so many wonderful friends who care about me.

Letter to a Friend

2009-04-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

Dear K,
I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. We met in Sept. 1999 during my first year of teaching. We shared what used to be a janitor closet.
I wouldn't wish MS on any of my friends or enemies. I can remember the day I told you I was diagnosed with MS so perfectly. You knew where I was going with my story because you too were going through the same thing. I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to come and visit you that instant and just hug you and cry. I was so sad this was happening to you. It is so awful to have MS happen to such a dear friend of mine. I was and am truly blessed to have you as a friend in my life. You are the only one who truly understands what I am going through with my MS. We share the same treatment. I can't count the number of times you have been there to listen to me and to share suggestions on how to make the Rebif less painful.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate our friendship. I wish we lived a bit closer so we could see each other more. I am always here for you when you need me. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Love,
~Heather

Today I am thankful for the sunshine and warmer weather it will bring (although I don't like much over 75).

Update

2009-04-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

I went to the neurologist today to get the results from my MRI. Here's the scoop: the new lesion that I had on my brain is now gone. I have a lesion on my spinal cord which is causing all the lovely symptoms. I am going to do a steroid treatment starting next Wed. I hope it helps. I don't know if I can wait that long. I can deal with my torso but my entire leg and foot are absolutely driving me CRAZY!!!

Today I am thankful for my husband. I appreciate that he came with me to my doctor appointment.

I am also thankful for my sister. I hope she knows I too would do anything for her.

Frustrated

2009-04-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

I really am just feeling so frustrated at the way I feel. I've been on Gabapentin now for 6 days and am feeling no relief from this burning, numb and tingly feeling on my entire right side (except for my arm - thank god). My leg feels like it is 3 times its normal size and I can't stand the way it feels. It feels how your foot feels when you say your foot fell asleep. This is my entire side. I am uncomfortable to do everything like sit, stand, lie on the floor, you name it. It is really hard having a 1 year old when you feel like this. Ever since I was diagnosed in Nov. 2006 I have been so lucky to not have any symptoms of my MS. I just can't believe this is happening. I have been so positive and believed nothing was ever going to happen. I guess I was wrong. I know I need to stay positive but right now that is hard. I am so uncomfortable which makes me grumpy and sad. I love pedicures and massages and I am thinking if this never goes away how the hell will I do those things again. It hurts to have my husband hug me. )-: Sorry to complain but this is what I wanted this blog to be for.

Today I am thankful that the sun is out and spring is in the air.

Uncomfortable

2009-04-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am writing in red because this is how my body feels under my right breast and back. I feel like I am on fire or I have a wicked sun burn. This whole numbness and tingling sensation has gotten worse. I called my neuro and he wasn't there so I talked to another one. He scheduled me for an MRI (I wasn't suppose to have one until June.) on Tues. morning at 7:30 and put my on Gabapentin to help with this feeling I have. IT ISN'T WORKING!!!!!!!!!! I am so uncomfortable! No one can touch me on my right side. It is really hard for me with a 1 year old. I am hoping to just wake up tomorrow and it all be gone. I feel like each morning I wake up it is a little worse. I am scared. I am really scared and need to live in the moment rather than thinking the worse about the future.

Today I am thankful for an amazing 1st year with my son. Happy 1st Birthday Asa!

Tingling

2009-04-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what is going on but I will be calling my neurologist tomorrow. I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has had a similar feeling as I'm having now. I'll do my best to describe it. It started a few days ago. A few days ago I thought my bra was just irritating me. I started to realize that even when my bra was off I was still getting this feeling. It wasn't until this morning after my shower when I was drying myself off that I felt a different sensation. From under my right breast all the way to my right hip (only the right side-divided by my belly button) and even my ride side and a little on my upper back I have this tingling sensation. When I touch it it reminds me of the way your foot feels when it's asleep. I really don't like it. So, basically I'm wondering if this is an MS thing or something else? Any ideas?

Today I am thankful for spending time with a good friend and her two beautiful girls.

Good job!

2009-04-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

On May 3rd I will be walking in our local MS Walk. I usually just ask for donations and have a wonderful team of friends and family who do an amazing job of collecting donations too. I am a stay at home mom this year and decided to do something different seeing as though I have a little bit more time. I went around to local businesses and asked for donations. I collected a total of $225 worth of gift cards/certificates. I had some friends help sell raffle tickets. We collected a total of $300 to be donated to the MS Society. Go team! It was a lot of work but I am proud of myself and my team. I won't be able to do a raffle again next year because it was very time consuming. Any ideas of easy fundraiser ideas for next year would be appreciated.

Today I am thankful for my amazing friends.

Decision

2009-03-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

My husband and I would like to eventually have another baby. Here's my dilemma: Long story short is I was diagnosed in Oct. 2006 with MS. I didn't start any meds right away because my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant, 9 months of being pregnant and then my neurologist let me breastfeed for 2 months before starting Rebif. I have been on Rebif for almost 10 months now. I (knock on wood) am doing wonderful! I have nothing wrong with me and I am thankful for that each and every morning I wake up. I am scared to go off of the Rebif to try to get pregnant because I am worried about what could happen to me. There is a chance that nothing could happen but there is that chance that something could happen. It scares me a lot! I hate how MS is so unpredictable! After trying to get pregnant for a year my midwife put me on clomid and then it only took us 6 months. I need to talk to her about what she might suggest. As soon as we decide to try to make a baby do I start the clomid right away? I need to know what the chances are for multiples using clomid. I really can't do more than one baby at a time. One baby is challenging enough. I can't be off of Rebif for that long. What do I do?

Today I am grateful that my baby (soon to be 1) will be going to the daycare of my choice.

I am also grateful that spring is in the air.

Where to start

2009-03-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry that I haven't written in such a long time. I've either been too busy, too tired or spending to much time on facebook. Facebook is a bad addition. Everytime I'm on it I swear I am thinking about all the other things I could be doing with my life. I could be writing on my blog. I could be reading. I could be spending time with my husband. I could be learning to sew.

I'm actually not going to write a real entry today because I'm just not up to it. I'm hoping just getting on here again will get my inspired. So, instead I'm going to do a little survey I saw on Weebs blog. Here it goes.

* THREE NAMES I GO BY:
- Heather
- Babes
- HB

*THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:
- teacher
- daycare teacher
- telemarker for a local newspaper

*THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
- I've always lived in NY. I've lived in three different places but always NY. A bit boring.

*THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH:
- Desparate Housewives
- The Office
- LOST

*THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN (I've been to many more places but just have always live in good ol' NY. I was hard to pick three):
- Maine
- Vermont
- New Brunswick

*THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO:
- Italy
- France
- Holland

*THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
- pizza and wings
- my dad's pancakes
- chicken gyro

*THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- spring so I can get outside and walk
- a wine tour with my girlfriends
- my sister visiting in May

*THREE MORE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- more dates with my husband
- my babies 1st birthday
- bed

*THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS:
- Regina Spektor
- Antigone Rising/Cassidy
- Beth Orton

*THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
- water
- wine
- Mountain Dew

*THREE THINGS I'M AFRAID OF:
- the dark
- being home alone at night
- spiders

Well, it's 9:00 so I must be heading to bed. Good night!

Today I am grateful for my husband and all his help.

Aspartame

2009-02-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

When I was diagnosed with MS I looked closely at my diet and completely cut out anything with aspartame in it. I enjoyed drinking diet soda, crystal light and really enjoyed chewing gum. I searched and searched for gum without aspartame in it. The only gum I could find was Big Red. Well, after chewing that for a while my tongue started to become rather raw. The point to this story is that a few weeks ago I found gum without aspartame in it and bought it. It arrived in the mail today and it's pretty good. The only thing I don't like about it is it's about 1/2 the size of normal gum and it doesn't blow bubbles. I love to blow bubbles. It does pop, snap and crack though. If your intested just google ZAPP gum.

Today I am grateful for being able to chew gum again.

Break?

2009-01-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

Do mommies ever get a break? I think it's hard because I am a stay at home mom and I feel as though this job only "ends" when Asa goes to bed. I'm frustrated because when Asa was born my mom said she would be up to help every Wed. and Fri. Well, this isn't happening. My nannie (her mother) isn't doing well and my mom uses those days to take care of her. Which I understand. I wish my mom knew she would never get this time back with Asa. If I told her that though she'd probably say she'll never get this time back with her mother. Which I understand too. I am just frustrated because I need the help and a break. I just want someone to come and play with Asa while I do some chores or run some errands alone. I think it would just make me feel so much better. I'm also frustrated because we spend $875 on an elliptical machine and I only get to use it on the weekends. I really am trying hard to figure out when to use it. The only time I can figure is in the morning before Asa wakes up and that just doesn't appeal to me. I need to get as much sleep as I possibly can. When he naps I am doing chores like a mad women. I really want to do it during his first morning nap but the length of his naps just aren't consistent enough. I at least want to use the elliptical for 30 min. and then shower. Some days there wouldn't be enough time for a shower. I hope to soon figure this out. I also am looking forward to Spring when we can get outside for walks. Winter is starting to be really long.

I also had a hard day because my husband was home from work. He should have had a snow day but didn't. When he tried to leave our house he couldn't make it down the hill (we live on a really big hill) so turned around and made his own snow day. At first I was so happy because I was thinking he would be a big help to me and I could get a bunch done and have a bit of a break. Well, I didn't realize he was going to work from home. GRRR! He asked why I was so grumpy so I explained: When you are home I feel as though you can help me. At around noon he tried to go to work again but it was freezing rain so he stayed home. It was just an over all hard day. I also have my period so maybe this could be part of my grumpiness or just adding to it.

Today I am grateful for my sister. She is my best friend and I miss her so much (especially on days like this.)!

I miss you

2009-01-17T15:00:00.001-08:00

I often wonder what happens to a person when they die. I sometimes believe they are watching over me and know when I am thinking about them. I think about my mother in law a lot and hope she knows how much I miss her. Jo-An if you are watching me and hearing my thoughts I miss you right now. Your husband is over at our house and there have been so many times when I could hear you either speaking to your son or your husband for not paying attention to me or Asa. I miss you. I was also missing you the other day and was wishing you could be the one to give Asa his first haircut. You were not a typical mother in law. We got along and knew that we each loved and appreciated each other. I know how happy you were that your son married me. I miss you and think about you everyday.

Today I am grateful for getting to use my elliptical.

Follow up

2009-01-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share the email I sent to this friend last night and the response I got.

Here is what I wrote:

January 16 at 8:05pm

Hey! Don't call me tonight when you get this message b/c I'll be going to bed at about 8:30. I hope you had a good time and got home safely. I am so sorry I couldn't come out w/ you tonight. I hope you understand. No one understands unless they are in my situation but it really sucks to have your entire life revolve around one thing. I hope someday I adjust to it but its been 7 months of my life already and I am still not adjusted. Every Monday, Wed., and Friday it is what I think about almost all day. On Tues., Thurs., Sat., and Sun., I feel like I need to do something fun and crazy because I don't need to do my shot. It really sucks! I'm sure I could have come out and not drank but it's just not fun when everyone else is doing it. Sorry to blab but I am having a hard time again. It just made me sad when you told me you would be mad at me if I didn't come out. I am sorry. Call me sometime tomorrow. Can you do something next Sat. night? A small girl's night?Let me know b/c if you can maybe I won't go out tomorrow night.

Here is her response (remember she is drunk so it's a bit tricky to read):

January 16 at 11:25pm

yes, we will get together tomorrow night. I forgot it was a a friday and what they meant to you. I didn't mean it when I said I would be mad at you-it would take much more than you not coming to drink with me. I forget what it is like to have one as little as asa at home and I have not idea what it is like to deal with the shots. You are an incredible mother and i would never be mad for you choosing to stay home. My only concern is that i have been there and know how important being with adults and friends is. You put your self last all the time and I hope you and Tim realize all that you are doing to make sure Asa has the best availale to him. Let's make it a plan for next sat. at st. charles. Talk to you tomorrow/

I still haven't heard from her yet today. I need to not let her drunkinness be an excuse for her comments on the phone last night.

Today I am thankful for the choice I made last night.

Seriously?

2009-01-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

I need to vent and this is where it happens. I have a handful of close friends who know I have MS and who know I have to give myself shots every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have a friend who we have been wanting to get together for a long time and it just hasn't been working out for us. She called me last night and said she would be going to happy hour tonight and was asking if I'd meet her out. She said she'd be home by 5:00. Well my husband usually gets home at 4:45 so I couldn't go. Here's a bit of info on this friend: she enjoys drinking a lot. When she said she'd be home and 5:00 I didn't believe it. Well she called me tonight at 6:30 and she was still out and would be out for at least another hour. She wanted me to meet her. I said I didn't feel like it. I told her it was too cold to go out. It was 3 degrees. I had just gone to Walmart and couldn't feel my toes and wasn't about to go out again. Also, if she didn't have so much to drink already she would have remembered that I don't drink on the nights I do my shots. It's just something I do. Rebif is hard enough on my liver as it is. So, anyhow she kept trying really hard to get me to go out. She was telling me that I'm a mommy and need a break and need to go out. She was then telling me about all the other mommies that were out drinking. Here's the part that hurt and I couldn't believe she said but again she was drinking. She said she would be mad at me if I didn't meet her out. I then reminded her that I don't go out on Friday nights. Then she remembered I need to do my shot and she said I win and she loved me. Whatever! This was 2 hours ago and it is still bothering me. I emailed and told her how sad she made me feel. She calls me her best friend? I'm wondering what she will have to say when she calls me. I just am frustrated. I also am having a hard time again accepting that I have MS and I am having a hard time with my shots. No one understands unless they are going through it. I told my sister when she was visiting that on the days I don't do my shot I feel like I need to do something super fun or crazy because I feel as though I should be celebrating the fact that I don't have to do my shot. It sucks! I can't believe this is how the rest of my life will be. Hopefully it won't be and eventually I can just take a pill. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Today I am grateful for gift certificates.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

In no particular order:
1. I love my husband more than anything. I am a lucky women.
2. I am a mommy of an 8 1/2 month old baby boy- Asa James.
3. I have one sister who lives in Portland, ME (We are 8 hours apart from each other). I miss her everyday and wished we lived closer to each other. I cherish the time we have together. I also am thankful for the morning phone call I get from her on her drive to work everyday.
4. I was diagnosed in Oct. 2006 with MS.
5. I am afraid of the dark but enjoy looking at the stars.
6. I enjoy drinking wine.
7. I don't go anywhere without my water bottle.
8. I enjoy exercising.
9. I read Post Secrets every Sunday morning.
10. I am afraid of spiders.
11. I enjoy listening to live music.
12. I love to sing. I would love to perform someday.
13. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally.
14. I miss my mother in law.
15. My husband, sister and friends know me better than I know myself.
16. I LOVE when my sister visits but HATE that she has to leave. I miss her so much!
17. I have never lived alone. There are times when I wish I could have had this experience. I think I would be a much braver person.
18. I was born on Christmas day.
19. I am going to learn to sew.
20. When I eat tuna fish sandwiches or macaroni and cheese I need to have chocolate milk to drink.
21. I rarely can stay awake for an entire movie.
22. I am a teacher but am always thinking of what else I could do for a job.
23. I hate saying good-bye to people.
24. I have always wanted to learn to play the cello. I think it's a sexy instrument. I know how to play the violin.
25. I am impressed that I came up with 25 things. It was harder than I thought.

Today I am grateful for the long weekend I got to spend with my sister.

Dilemma

2009-01-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

I need to complain again. Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain. I guess this is a good place to do it. So, my husband and I bought an elliptical for Christmas. I used it for 3 days in a row and enjoyed it. Here's the dilemma: my husband was on a break from work making it a bit easier to let me use the elliptical while he watched Asa. He started work again on Monday and it has been two days since I have been on the elliptical. I'm thinking exercise will only be a weekend thing which sucks. I NEED to workout! My husband is on his last class for getting his bachelor's degree and he has two big papers left. He got an extension (he was suppose to be done Dec. 20) because of his mother's passing. I am hoping that once he is done with these papers there will be time for me to workout when he gets home from work. It's hard because he gets home from work at around 5:00 and if I were to workout it would be 6:00 by the time I got done and showered. We need to make dinner and eat too. I've thought about getting up early before Asa wakes up but I'm preferring sleep these days. I thought about exercising during a nap time but the time he naps isn't consistent. I'd like to workout for at least 30 min. and then shower but sometimes he only sleeps for 30 min. I've also thought about exercising when he goes to bed but I go to be an hour after he does and I'm way to exhausted by 7:00 to think of exercising. Any ideas of when I can exercise? I'm also so anxious for the spring to get here because then Asa and I can go for walks.

So many thoughts

2009-01-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Warning: This blog is going to be a mess with a bunch of different thoughts and ramblings. But remember I don't write for an audience I write for me.

I always feel like I have so much to write about but no time to actually get to it. When I get to do it I forget what I was going to write about.

I am really enjoying reading the blogs I like to read each day. There are a few bloggers who I'd really like to get to know better. I wish they lived closer too.

My sister is going to be coming for a visit this Saturday and I can't even begin to say how excited I am about it. The last time she was here was in August and Asa was 4 months old. He is now 8 months old and grown so much. She lives about 8 hours away in Portland, ME so it's not easy getting to see her. She will be back in April to celebrate Asa's 1st birthday and then my husband, Asa and I hope to visit her in the summer. It will be a big trip for Asa but possible. My sister and I have gotten so much closer since my diagnosis of MS and having Asa. She is my best friend and I share everything with her. She is the only one who is allowed to read my blog. She is actually the one who got me started and introduced me to blogging. She is an amazing and incredible writer (I think she got all the creativeness.). She recently just started a new blog in which she will be writing letters to me. I am looking forward to reading these letters and think this will even bring us closer. I know that when she visits this weekend I hope to get caught up on our lives when we were high school. We both probably have such different experiences and there were things that happened that I believe we need to talk about. There are so many times when I wished she lived closer. I would love to just get to spend more time with her and hang out.

Someday I'd like to write about my parents but I wouldn't even know where to start. It really requires therapy not writing.

I am sad for today to end. My husband has been off of work since Christmas and it has been wonderful. I have enjoyed all of his help with Asa. I will miss him so much.

Today I am grateful for Asa sleeping 12 hours last night. I am getting better at sleeping and not waking up to check on him. I still don't sleep that good because I am listening to the monitor to hear him. Another good thing about Asa sleeping better is I can now stay up until 9:00. I am also grateful for getting the time to use the elliptical again. I'm not sure how I'll find the time now that my husband starts work again tomorrow. We'll need to figure out something so we both can work out.

Good night and sweet dreams!

Mothers

2009-01-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

My mother in law passed away on December 4th. I think of her so much and miss her. There is so much more I wish I could have said to her. My husband doesn't talk about her much since she passed. I asked him last night if it was okay that I talk about her and let him know when I am thinking about her. He said it was fine. He shared with me last night that the reason he stays up so late at night is because he is sad and thinking about his mom and can't sleep. I was so glad he shared that with me. The other day I had just gotten off the phone with my mother and she said something to annoy me. I was feeding Asa and started to cry. My husband wondered what was wrong. I told him that I feel so bad that I complain about my mother and feel awful that she makes me so crazy when he doesn't have his mom anymore. This has really been bothering me. My mom has been doing and saying things to make me a bit nuts. I try to be more patient with her but it's hard. I also think about the fact that she might not be here tomorrow. I will add being more patient to my resolutions for the new year.

Today I am grateful for working out on my new elliptical.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously? Here's how I wanted to spend my New Year's Eve: my husband and I were going to watch a movie and have some champagne. We didn't get the champagne because we were snowed in so the movie was still in the plans. Here's how I spent the night: I was really tired so I knew if we started the movie chances were good I'd fall asleep. I took my Tylenol at 7:00 in preparation to do my Rebif at 8:00. It was my husbands turn to do the shot. It freakin' hurt like hell and I started to feel like crap about 15 min. after. I went to bed at 8:45. No movie. No champagne. So, today I am feeling like crap from my shot. I honestly feel like I was out until 3 am and had a great night of drinking. I have had a migraine headache all day (it went away at about 4:00) and felt like puking. I did nothing last night to earn this feeling. My husband was joking saying all I did on my New Year's Eve was one shot and I got completely hungover. I'm lucky I don't feel this way after every shot. It makes me worry though that when I go back to teaching in Sept. how I would go to work feeling like this.

So, Happy New Year!

Today I am grateful that my husband spent the time to put out new elliptical together. Tomorrow I will start working on that resolution. Wish me luck!

Resolution

2008-12-30T16:46:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be New Year's Eve and apparently I should have my resolution in mind. I really haven't put much thought into this but I suppose now is the time. I used to be a pretty hardcore gym girl. I'd workout at the gym 6 days a week for about 2 hours and once a week with a personal trainer. I can honestly say I was pretty happy with the body I had molded and worked so hard for. Since having my baby (8 months ago) I really have not worked out much at all. I am so unhappy with my body although I got an amazing son. I miss working out. I need to exercise in order to relieve my stress and help control my grumpiness. Yesterday my husband and I purchased and elliptical for our home. I am hoping this will get my body back to the way it used to be (or close). The only thing that needs to happen now is we need to take it out of the box and hopefully it doesn't require to much putting together. So, my resolution is to start to exercise again.

Today (and everyday) I am grateful for having a husband who I love so much and who loves me just as much. I couldn't have found a better husband. I was going to close with this but I need to share a funny story that happened yesterday with my husband and baby. My husband is off for this week from work (which I'm loving all the help). He helped by changing Asa's poopy diaper for me. Well, about an hour after this I decided to put Asa in his PJ's. When I was undressing him I discovered his daddy didn't put a diaper on him after he changed him. I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself. Too funny! I was so thankful he didn't pee without a diaper on.

Few things

2008-12-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to mention a few things that I am grateful for (although lately I am grateful for many things): I am so grateful that Asa is sleeping through the night. Now I just need to work on sleeping all night without checking on him 2-3 times a night. I am also grateful that my husband has a week off from work. I know he has homework to get caught up on but still it will be a bit of a break for me.

Sad day

2008-12-20T16:59:00.000-08:00

Today was a sad day. It was weird. I thought about my mother-in-law so many times today. I was trying to hold back the tears or when I did cry I didn't let my husband see. I finally told him that I was sad today because I was thinking about his mom a lot. I kept hearing her over and over in my head during different times today. My husband told me I was crying his tears. It's so sad to me and it just doesn't seem real yet. I HATE when people die. I feel like it's so hard to go on like normal because things aren't normal, someone important in your life is missing. I hope my husband knows he can be sad around me and that it's okay to cry. He did break down at the funeral which I thought was good but I hope he knows he doesn't have to play tough guy. I can't even imagine loosing a parent. My parents tend to drive me bonkers but I would miss them terribly. I HATE death.

I am grateful that my husband got our Christmas tree today and I at least got the lights hung up.

Sorry

2008-12-18T17:05:00.001-08:00

Sorry I haven't written in such a long time but things have been busy. I've been faithfully reading everyone else's blogs but haven't really felt like writing on mine.

Things have been really hard the last few weeks. My mother-in-law passed away from a long battle with cancer. I'm really not ready to talk about it. I don't deal with death to well (not that anyone does). I'm the type of person that gets attached to people so much that when they die I just miss them so much. It's just so sad. I'm sad for our son, Asa, who will really never know his grandma. I am also thankful that she got to get to know him for 7 1/2 months of his life.

Three days after my mother-in-law passed away my husband's close friends mom also died. It was unexpected because she fell down the stairs in her house and hit her head. I am done with funerals for a while I hope. It's just so hard.

I also haven't written because I've been so stinkin' tired. I'm not sure if it's from my MS, the winter weather or being inside all day. I'm hoping I am just in a slump and it's not any MS symptoms.

Today I am grateful for the delicious Peppermint Latte I drank to help give me a boost.

Random rambling

2008-12-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

I think about writing on my blog all the time but time just doesn't permit. When baby is sleeping I am doing chores like a mad women. There are also a lot of things going on in our lives right now. My husbands mother is terminally ill. Cancer is going to take her life. It has been so hard this last month and she is really in a bad way. It makes me so sad. There is so much more I'd like to write on this topic. I will when I can.

I just got news today that a co worker had died last night. He was 46 years old with a wife and two children. He wasn't feeling well so went to the hospital. They are going to do an autopsy to say what really happened. It either was his heart or he had a bad kidney infection. So sad. It really makes you stop and think about the little things in life and what is truly important.

I need to loosen up more. I've gotten better since having my baby. I am the type of person who needs to have a plan or know the plan. If there is something different or unexpected in the plan I get grumpy and stressed. I don't like this about myself but I have been this way for a long while. I need to go with the flow more often.

As for my MS things are thankfully no different. My Rebif shot is hurting again. It burns really bad when being injected which makes it hard. My husband did my shot last Wed. (in my buttocks) and it hurt so much that I pulled away and didn't get all the Rebif. Why is it hurting all of a sudden? I'm going through the phase of asking why do I have to do this shot to myself and just not believing that I have to do it for the rest of my life.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I enjoyed yummy apple pie for breakfast the next morning.

Like I said in a previous post I am going to write what I am grateful for at the end of each blog. I'd like to do this everyday because I am truly grateful for so many things. Today I am grateful that I get to talk to my sister each morning.

What are you grateful for?

2008-11-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

There are four blogs that I read pretty faithfully and one of them is "Living! with MS." Her last entry was title "Gratitude." She is trying to focus on all the good things she has in her life. I thought this would be a good thing to do also. So, each time I write a blog I'd like to try to include one thing that I am grateful for that day (if I remember).

Today I am grateful that I got to go to kick boxing in the morning.

Who am I?

2008-11-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately and wondering what happened to me. I am a mommy of a 6 1/2 month old who I love with all my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. Since having him though I feel like everything I used to enjoy doing I no longer have time to do. Here are some of the things I miss and wonder if I'll ever get to do again: My husband and I used to go to open mic nights together (he played guitar and I sang). I really enjoyed singing and it made me feel good. I also used to workout for about 2 hours a day. I worked 4 hours a week at the local gym so I could workout there for free. I paid to have a personal trainer once a week who would kick my ass and I loved it. I miss the body I once had. I know everything distributes differently after having a baby but I looked good and felt good too. Okay-so there's only two things I really miss but I miss them A LOT. I also think that taking off a year from teaching is making me rethink who I am. I am starting to miss making money- A LOT! I like to shop and now I can't do it b/c we have lost a whole income. It is for a good reason (to raise my son) and I know I will never regret it. I might even do it for my 2nd child (If I decide to have any more.) I've been a teacher since 1999 and am starting to wonder if that is really how I want to spend the rest of my working life. It's a freakin' hard job. I visit job websites frequently and wonder what do I want to be when I grow up? I think I would love it if my husband made a whole bunch of money and I could work in a little coffee shop. I would love a job that is 9-5 or 8-4 which requires no outside work. A job that have very little stress. Teaching is so time consuming (if you do a good job). I would also really like to find a job where I get summers off and I'd like to make no less money than I was. This is a tough order I know. I might have to sacrifice something here I know. I was actually thinking of talking to my principal and seeing if there where any other positions (so I could get out of the classroom) opening like maybe an AIS position. I was even going to try to think of a new position to create. Anyone have any ideas of what I could do once I need to go back to work? I looked online last night trying to find jobs I could do from home. It's hard being a grown up. It sucks that we need to make money.

Finally

2008-11-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got in touch with my neurologist (after playing phone tag for 4 days). I called him to discuss the way I've been feeling with my grumpiness, anger and overwhelmed feelings. Also, to ask if it was okay for me to get the flu shot (FYI: he said yes to the flu shot). He said there were three things we could do: try counseling, go on meds, or stop the Rebif. I knew even before he called me back that I was going to try counseling first. I already had the names of two counselors ready to call. I am not one for medicine. So, to be taking something like Rebif it tough for me. I really don't want to put too much more in my system. I think if I could do some counseling and actually find the time to workout more than twice a week I would be feeling much better.

It's so hard to find time to write and I have so much more to say. I'll try again later this weekend.

Finding the Time

2008-10-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

When will I find the time to write? I have so much to write about and no time to do it. It is 8:25 on a Sunday night and I should be going to bed soon because I have no idea what time my baby will wake up at. There were two nights in a row last week where he slept the entire night. It was so nice and I felt very spoiled. He hasn't done it again since. Mommy needs to get some sleep because my grouchiness is starting to get to me. I will write as soon as I can. I NEED to write. Today was a not so good day. I will be calling my neurologist tomorrow to talk about the way I've been feeling emotionally. I don't like it. Good night.

2008-10-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Thank-you Weebs for this award!

Friends

2008-10-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have such a wonderful bunch of friends and I am so thankful for them. Tonight I have a friend coming over to watch my husband give me my shot (I can't reach the spot.) because my husband will not be home the next night the shot needs to go in this area. I am so thankful to have this friend who is willing to do this for me. She is a wonderful friend. I chose her because she only lives 3 miles away and she has given an uncle insulin shots before. I feel much better having a friend do this who has done things with needles before. It just makes me really sad to have to have her to this to me. I know she doesn't mind it's just really hard for me. I have already cried to my husband about this. I am so thankful for him too.

New topic: My baby could do me the favor of sleeping better at night. I am getting so tired and getting up at 5 or 5:30 in the morning and staying up is killing me. I am getting really tired and exhausted. I wish he knew that on my shots nights I really would like to get a good nights sleep. I try telling him but he doesn't listen. I tell him mommy would be a lot more fun the next day if she got a better nights sleep. I'm also feeling dizzy and light headed but I will blame this on the tiredness and not the MS.

I was really frustrated today because I was feeling very tired and overwhelmed. I was just wishing someone could come sit and play with Asa for an hour while I did chores around the house. When my house is dirty I tend to get grumpy. So, I called my mom who has Wed. and Fri. off and asked for help. She couldn't come because she a list of chores to do herself. I was so proud that I called and asked for help but so disappointed she couldn't help. (There is so much more to this story.) Her solution was to put my baby in his pack and play and do chores. No thanks. Grrr.

I still haven't called my neurologist about my feelings of sadness and anger. The days just seem to slip away. I want to make sure if it's the side effects of Rebif or just my feelings of being overwhelmed.

Phone call

2008-10-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, my midwife called me back and she said my grumpiness isn't related to postpartum. I'm not sure where to go or what to do now. I might call my neurologist. The grumpiness I felt today was so intense. I hate that I feel this way and I can't even control it. It's just so hard to explain.

No call

2008-10-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Still no call back from my midwife. I'm guessing that if she got the message that I called and why I called I must not be much to worry about. I'm a bit busy with life so I'll have to write another day.

My sister

2008-10-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

First, I need to say my midwife hasn't called me back yet. If she does now (6:30 pm) I probably won't answer since I've had a few glasses of wine and would not be able to explain myself the best I'd like to.

Anyhow, let me start by saying that my sister lives 8 hours away from me. I don't see her that often. Since my MS diagnosis and my new baby we have become closer than ever. She was a huge help during the birth of my son and she probably never knew she would get to see so much of her sister that day. My sister is my best friend. I see her as more of my best friend than my sister. She is the first person I would call for anything (even over my parents). She calls me every morning when she is driving to work. We only talk for about 5 min. but I look forward to her call each morning. She also works at a computer all day so I can send her an email and usually get an immediate response. Well, she is away on a trip this week and none of these things are happening. She didn't call this morning (because she was flying) and I didn't send any emails to her or did I get any from her. I have to say it was a stinky day and something was really missing. I miss my sister so much and wished we lived closer (I could do a 2-3 hour drive.) She lives in Portland, ME and is extremely happy with the life she has there. If she is happy I am happy for her. She loves her husband, dogs, cats, job (not too many people even like their job), new apartment, she's making new friends, and the ocean. She needs to stay there and I know this. Maine is home for her. If she were to move back this way I know she would not be happy. I just miss her. I know my husband and I aren't completely settled (even though we bought a new home only 2 years ago and hate it) but I don't know if we'd ever go that far away. I just wish my sister and I could see each other more often. She came to visit over the summer and stayed with my husband and I. She usually stays with my parents but wanted to stay with us so she could get as much of baby Asa as possible. It was great for her to see what we do each day. We had such a nice time together but I think that trip made me miss her more. She is planning to come for another visit sometime in January and I am SO happy. I can't wait to see her. I just wish we could run together or enjoy a glass of wine. Even though the visits are so far apart we treasure every minute we have with her.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sorry to ramble. I hope this all makes sense. Mama needed some wine tonight.

Grumpy Update

2008-10-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

I called the MS Lifeline people and told them how I was feeling. The nurse suggested I start by calling my midwife. He thought maybe it could be some post pardon issues. I called my midwife and am just waiting to hear back from her. I have errands to run and I'm sure she'll call when I am not home. She is really hard to get in touch with. I'll be sure to let you know how things turn out.

GRUMPY

2008-10-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

I think I've written about this before but I need to vent and this is where I do that. I hate the way I am feeling now. I am so grumpy. I also just can't control the grumpiness and it just feels awful inside. Everything seems to bother me and nothing seems right. I feel like I have so much to do and not enough time to do it (even though I am a stay at home mom). My house isn't clean (up to my standards) and that makes me a bit crazy. I NEED to exercise and it's just not happening. Exercise seriously is my medicine. I feel so great after doing it. My husband is extremely busy so I can't really workout because he would need to watch the baby while I do that and then shower. I am going to call a doctor tomorrow about these grumpy, angry feelings. I don't know if I need to call my neurologist or my mid-wife. I could even start by calling the MS Lifeline people. They are really helpful and they might know who I should talk to. I don't think these feelings are a side effect of Rebif but who knows.

It's hard

2008-10-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time facing the realization that I have MS. I am very blessed to not be having any symptoms right now (I'll be getting my blurry vision checked soon.) but that is what makes it hard for me to understand that there is something wrong. I have mentioned it before but I really hate Monday, Wednesday and Friday's because of my shots. It's just such a strong reminder that I am not normal. I pray that these shots do what they are suppose to. I pray that I will always be as physically strong as I am now or stronger. I pray that I will mentally be okay. I pray that someday there will be a miracle and when I get my MRI I will be that miracle patient whose MS has just vanished.

Rebif

2008-09-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

First, I want to say thank-you for all your wonderful comments and warm welcome to blogging.

I started my Rebif injections on June 19th. This was one of the hardest days in my life. Not only did I have to start giving myself injections 3 times a week but it was also the last day of breast feeding my baby. I talked to my neurologist about how important breast feeding was to me and I wondered if I would be able to do it and if I could for how long. My midwife said if he allows 2 weeks it is better than nothing. I was blessed to be able to breast feed for the first 2 months of Asa's life. I also pumped (I felt like a cow.) a whole extra months supply of milk. So, he actually got 3 months of mommies milk. I was very proud of all the milk I pumped. If you are a mother and you breast fed your baby you can understand how hard it was for me to have to stop after only 2 months. It is such an amazing bonding experience. In preparation to stop breast feeding I had to see how he did with the bottle. He did such a great job and had absolutely no trouble at all. Myself on the other hand was sobbing so hard I had to have my husband finish the feeding because I just couldn't do it. Then, when I saw my husband feeding him I realized it was officially over. I just went in the bathroom and cried. It still makes me sad. The one thing that frustrates me is when people ask me if I'm breast feeding because they have no idea what is going on in my life. Seriously, why do they care and it's just a personal thing. I knew I needed to start my MS treatment because in order for me to take care of my baby I needed to take care of myself. I just hope I will always be able to take care of my baby.

When I was having the double vision I had to go through a steroid treatment. Two of my very close friends insisted on going to this with me. I warned them that I hated needles and was afraid of them. Well, my one friend told me that I'm not afraid of needles I am terrified. She said she had never seen anything like it. It really is awful when I need to get a shot or get blood drawn (which I need to do now every 3 months). I just get so anxious and it's a fight to basically hold my arm down. By the 3rd day of steroids I was getting better with the IV. After having a baby I think I can say I'm a little better with needles. When I heard I had to give myself injections I just didn't know how I was going to survive this. I felt awful for the poor nurse who came to our house to teach my how to use the injector. She probably had to sit and wait a good 45 minutes until I actually did the shot. I started the shot on a Friday so the next one wasn't until Monday. My husband has been so wonderful through this whole thing. He sat with me and was basically coaching me through it. After about 3 months of doing my injections I have gotten much better. It's only about a ten minute ordeal compared to a 45 minute ordeal. For about the first 2 months I would cry. I also went through an angry stage (which still happens). I would swear and say I just don't understand why anyone has to do this to themselves. I've gotten much better but I still get angry and hate that I have to do this to myself. It really is a crazy thing to have to give yourself shots. I do my shots on Monday, Wednesday and Friday's. I've started to hate these days of the week. I feel like all day I am anticipating giving myself the shot at night. I have a great bunch of friends that I teach with and we've started doing a Girl's Night once a month. Well, I try to get us to do them on Saturday nights because the last time it was a Friday night I just couldn't have fun and I was just so anxious about getting home and doing my shot. I also prefer not to drink alcohol on shot nights. I know I really shouldn't be drinking at all but I really need the occasional glass of wine. In one of my blogs I wrote about the angry feelings I've been having and Lisa posted a comment that made me think. She wrote: "While you were trying to get pregnant and MS was not affecting you much, it probably was almost like MS was not a part of your life. But now it's a much more frequent issue." How true that is. There were so many times when I could forget that I had MS but since I've started Rebif it's a HUGE part of my life. Since the double vision I've have been blessed to have not had any other symptoms (although I'm starting to have some blurred vision on occasion). There isn't an hour in my day that goes by when I'm not thinking about my MS. Will I ever accept MS as part of my life?

Overwhelmed

2008-09-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed. The word I use to describe how I am feeling. I'm not sure why I feel so overwhelmed because I am not working this year. I took a one year leave from teaching 2nd grade to be at home with my baby (So, I am working a 24/7 job with no sick time.). I am so glad I decided to do this. I wouldn't want anyone else to be taking care of my baby now. He is 5 months old right now and I couldn't ask for a better baby. I haven't told my husband that I feel overwhelmed because I can't even imagine what word he would use to describe how he is feeling right now. He is very busy at work, taking two college courses which are very demanding with reading and writing, dealing with landlord issues (finding new tenants and getting one to pay on time), getting the house ready for winter, trying to pay bills on time and in his free time spending time with his wife and baby. I really feel like I can't complain but it's how I feel. I LOVE being a mommy but it truly is the hardest thing in the world. No one can really tell you how hard being a mommy is. If they do you truly won't know until you are in it. I have no idea how I am suppose to get back into my career come next September. Who will keep the house clean, do laundry, and make an occasional dinner(I have wonderful husband who when he has time makes great dinners)? I am a clean freak so in order for me to not be grumpy my house must be clean. I know I don't have to worry about that yet but I do think of it often. I think I'm still dealing with my MS diagnosis a lot too. I don't think I'll ever be able to accept the fact that I have this. I've only been on Rebif for 3 months now and it sucks. There are many days after doing my shot that I feel really awful. I am glad I don't have to go to teach everyday because every Tuesday and Thursday I think I would be calling in for a substitute. Today I actually wished I could have called a substitute mommy. I do the best I can on these days to be the best mommy I can be. I am hoping come next Sept. I will be adjusted to this harsh medicine.

I hope to write my next blog about my feelings towards Rebif.

GRRR!

2008-09-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why I am feeling the way I do. I've been having these feelings for maybe a month now. I just sometimes feel so grumpy and if something isn't done by me then it isn't being done right. I also turn bossy telling my husband how to do things that I know he can do just fine. I really don't like this grumpy and almost angry feeling because I feel as though I can't control it. I get frustrated because the way I am acting isn't me. I don't act this way. It almost feels like an outer body experience that I don't have any control over. Why am I so grumpy? What am I so frustrated about?

Why I write

2008-09-18T06:44:00.000-07:00

First, let me say do not judge me on my writing. I have never been a strong writer and I struggle with words. I'm not here to be creative or to have people enjoy reading what I write. I don't care if people even read my blog. I am here for me. I started this blog so I could have a place to write about my feelings and MS. I have such a wonderful support group but no one truly understands how I feel and what I am going through. I have a very dear friend who was diagnosed with MS at about the same time I was. It sucks to have this happen to a close friend but at the same time it is a blessing to have each other. We talk a lot but I sometimes feel that MS is all we talk about. I read someones blog the other day and it was quoting the quote "I might have MS but MS doesn't have me." I feel the same way they do. It does have me and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Now that I have started Rebif I feel like MS is in control of my life. I have my good days where I think positively and then I have my bad days. I know this is true with everyone even if they don't have MS. I am now going through the period of asking why. I just get frustrated to have to give myself shots and have to have my husband help too. I just hate the thought of having to do this for the rest of my life. It pretty much stinks and no one understands unless they are doing it too. They can try to understand but they just won't get it.

Diagnosis

2008-09-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

Here's the short version: I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in October 2006. The symptom I was having was double vision. I am a teacher so this made it extremely hard to read to my students and basically do anything. It also was affecting my driving. I wasn't sure what was going on so I started with a visit to the eye doctor. I saw her a few times and she did a number of different testes and finally suggested an MRI. When looking at the MRI results she was thinking it looked like MS so she recommended me to a neurologist. The neurologist said it was MS. My husband and I wanted a second opinion so we went to the MS Clinic in Rochester, NY. They too confirmed that it was MS.

I didn't start a treatment right away because my husband and I were in the process of trying to have a baby. We spent a year and a half trying to get pregnant. During this time I had no new symptoms of MS. When I finally got pregnant I did great too. After having my baby I started using Rebif. I have been using Rebif for 3 months now.